exhibit a, y'all

tomorrow is m's last day at her oral deaf school! (insert many emotions, including disbelief, here)

last night i took this little video of her singing to share with her morning music teacher at school (she gives her a little shout out in the last few seconds), and it pretty much sums up why we made the trek for almost four years to a school an hour away. my girl may never have a record deal, but listen to my deaf munchkin's sweet little song:

the quiet before the storm

(wednesday, february 1)

my girls have inherited a lot from me,

including their crankiness post-nap.

on wednesday,

i snapped these two pictures moments after each of my girls woke up.

notice they both went into the exact same position,

a little post-nap snuggle

(i love it)

what i didn't love was the complete double meltdown that happened for 45 minutes 

after these sweet photos were taken.

for reals.

do you ever have temper tantrums in your house that are so dramatic and extensive that it becomes kind of comical? 

i took a minute of meltdown footage with my phone & couldn't help laughing. 

my children were so hysterical over nothing and over everything all at once.

wanna see?

45 minutes of this!

beans, beans, the magical fruit

um, no, this is not a post about burps -which is what m calls gas. 

(i don't correct her because it's so cute & because isn't that a better word than fart anyway? although toot is pretty cute...)

m has been learning all about different sorts of containers at school-jars, baskets, tupperware, buckets, pails, tins, boxes, etc.

the other day i needed to rock a bunch of dishes 

(which by the way, i typically cannot take credit for- matt is the dish master in our house,) 

so i grabbed 

a. a bunch of different containers 

b. a variety of scoopers and diggers

and 

c. a bag of white beans 

from our cupboards

and let m play away without any directions to see what she would do...

 she played forever!

 who knew these would be such a hit in the toy department?

 she scooped and dumped and poured and arranged and rearranged and trickled 

those beans 

into 

this jar and that bowl and this cup and that sieve

all the while making up a very complicated and involved story 

that involved whatever she was doing 

(cooking at one point, school at another) 

with her imaginary friends.

happy daughter, new vocabulary enforced, dishes done.

happy birthday to my ears!

in a couple of weeks m celebrates her hearing birthday!

2 years ago on march 18th & 19th, m's implants were activated, 

so it was the first days she heard sound!

we'll be having a listening party,

with friends bringing their favorite songs to listen to at the party and then all year long.

what songs would be must-listens in your world? 

what song can you always get lost in?

or dance the night away to?

or brings you back to middle school or college days?

what song would you 

add to m's hearing birthday playlist?

comment below & i'll add them to our party soundtrack!

frosty & fries

we don't frequent fast food restaurants unless we are on road trips, but last week (thanksgiving eve), matt suddenly had a craving for wendy's frosty and french fries. m and ruby were already snuggled in their pj's and we were heading home late after no dinner. we plopped m in the car, and introduced her to this salty sweet treat.

waiting for her treat & not sure what to expect...

she quickly became an expert at dipping her fries in the frosty

happy girl!

she only ate about 1/4 of the frosty, but she was in treat-heaven...

ps did you know you can now get vanilla frosties?

and now, my job as a parent is done.

these sentences came out of my daughter's mouth on monday. 

promise, i did not lead the witness or edit them. 

• "mommy, i want to hear bono singing." (be still my beating heart.)
• "i'm really glad ruby [is] in our family." (someday when ruby thinks her sister doesn't love her, i will have proof)
• (as she walked by one of my paintings on the wall, she pointed and said) "i like your paintings. that is beautiful right there." (who needs a gallery show when your daughter likes your paintings? ok, well, maybe i wouldn't mind a gallery show, but in the meantime, that makes my heart swell.)

true story.

"i hear that!"

m has been going to her school, jean weingarten peninsula oral school for the deaf, since she was 7 months old! at first she went to one on one speech therapy for an hour a week. last school year she increased to two days of class a week and 2 hours of speech therapy. this year she goes three days a week to class and 3 hours of therapy! every day starts with the whole school and staff at morning music. one of the things that i really like about jwposd is that they see parents as the ones who are teachers 24 hours a day. our time there is not just for little m, but it is also to teach us as parents how to foster speech and language at home and in the future.

(i promise not to keep posting lots of videos, but thought these would be relevant to this post, especially in tandem with m's speech sample video that i posted last week.)

here is a snippet from morning music a couple of weeks ago:




thanks to her hard work, to the guidance of her teachers and speech therapist, and to our own work at home, monrovia is thriving. she is learning to think through situations, listen and speak. her school consists of typical hearing kids, kids with a range of hearing loss, and profoundly deaf kids. it has been a commitment to drive an hour each way to school, but the sacrifice has resulted in great gifts for our daughter and for us. she is surrounded by immensely talented professionals who tailor their interactions with her to her individualized needs and level.

here is a bit of morning music from last november. you can see here how much little m's langauge has skyrocketed since a year ago:


here is a minute from little m's class during play/exploratory time last november.

next month is jwposd's annual benefit to raise money for the school. as you can imagine, her school is in a hard financial place right now- as most organizations are. i would love for this school to continue and thrive long after we leave, as it has transformed our daughter into a speaking, listening deaf child. donations to the benefit are being matched, so this is a great way to help her school out with funds. if you are in any way inclined, you can donate cash in any amount-even a few dollars, donate an item to the auction (anything! even something small can be grouped together with other items. you can donate services or goods!), or even sponsor a table-top. for more information on anything related to donating to or attending the benefit, go here.

i am so grateful to the work of this school, and i see it as such an amazing cause, so wanted to give anyone who has followed our daughter's story the opportunity to be a part of enabling it to help other kids who have hearing loss.

little m speech sample at 2 1/2

well, i realized that m turned 2 1/2 this week! while we were sitting at the table last night i took a video of her as a speech sample. she's now had her cochlear implants for a year and 7 months. she gets very silly & loud (shocking)...
here she is singing and jabbering away:

Home Sweet Home

Somehow this pool already feels very far away. Sigh.

To think I was enjoying it just a couple of days ago.

(Apparently Ruby is not a fan of aquatic adventures)

After three very full weeks of visiting friends, family, and dear ones, and after trekking through Northern California all the way down to San Diego and hitting up lots of places in between, we are home. As we drove up our street Little M shouted, "Home! I want see my's purple room at home!" I guess she was ready to be back in her own spot again.

So today I have been unpacking, grocery shopping, opening mail, and settling in. I probably owe you an email or a phone call because we completely dropped off the face of the earth this month. It was, I admit, kind of nice to feel disconnected from our routine.

Tomorrow is the first day back at school. Last year I was so excited, and for a bunch of reasons that I don't need to get into, I don't have that same anticipation this year. Before M was born, and before we knew she was deaf, we never would have planned to have her start school so early. (She started going to therapy and an infant group at 6 months old.) This year she will be going to class 3 days a week, from 8:30 in the morning until noon. That means a long day for a toddler (and her baby sister). It takes an hour to get to her school, so we leave the house by 7:30 at the very latest and won't get home until 1 in the afternoon at the very earliest.

I guess it all makes me want to guard the rest of her childhood even more fiercely - from such a young age she has been in structured environments, actively being encouraged to think, to follow directions, to participate. There are a lot of benefits to this I'm sure, but I also want to make sure she has time and space to just imagine, play, discover, dawdle, and be a kid.

P.S. Even though I am a fan of channeling e.e. cummings and rocking all lower case on this blog, I am flirting with using correct punctuation. I figure it might make this blog more readable. Thoughts?

double trouble

look at these two partners in crime.

we are so in trouble.

lastest hits

m is currently into a few things...

like towers (exhibit a-the crackers+cheese version)

prancing around in my shoes-especially the high ones

more towers (exhibit b-the blocks version)

ponytails and clips

taking care of her babies

oh, and taking care of baby ruby of course, which entails a lot of gazing lovingly and holding for about 13 seconds

reading

and more towers (exhibit c-the wooden city version)

and really, most of all, she is into slaying my heart with her cuteness.
i swear lately she is so funny and silly and creative and delightful.
(except for those nasty temper tantrum whine fests she also has in her arsenal, but i prefer to think that is just her learning how to communicate, although it exhausts me, all of the drama. matt would say that that is quite fitting, since i tend to have a teensy amount of drama buried really deep down inside.)

deaf moments

part a:i knew this moment would come, but i thought it would be when m was a little older for some reason.

a few weeks ago m and i were sitting on the couch hanging out, and she was staring at my ears intently. finally she said, "mommy, why no put on ears? roro put on ears." matt and i knew that at some point she would ask why she wears implants and not everyone else does. after all, she has a set of toy cochlear implants that came with a stuffed animal when she got her implants, and she often plays with them by trying to put them on me. they look identical in scale and color to hers, so they look like the real thing. she notices when people have hearing aids. she'll point behind our ears sometimes, but when she actually asked me why she had them and i didn't, it took me off guard.

i've used the word deaf with her, and explained that she is deaf, and that's why when her ears are off she doesn't hear, but i don't think she totally understands it yet. i think she assumes we all stop heraing once we take baths or showers, or when we take naps or go to bed. i think she thinks it is normal to attach a device to one's head with wig tape, and to lose sound every so often when the implants coil falls off.

so i began a conversation that will last a very long time-throughout our lives i imagine, about what it means to be deaf, and to have implants, why she has them and we don't. it was short, and i tried to use words she would understand. for now i said her implants were special ears that helped her listen and speak, and that when she was born her ears couldn't hear, but when mommy and daddy were born our ears could hear, so we didn't have special ears. moments later she moved on to playing, and that was it.

then the other day i was changing ruby's diaper. m was laying on the bed next to her, snuggling up to her sister as she likes to do. m pointed at her head and said, "mommy, ruby no have special ears. roro, special ears."

so i guess she remembered at least a snippet of what i said.

part b:
this is how you know you have a deaf child with implants-

multiple times when i have been holding ruby i check her head to make sure her implant coils haven't fallen off. then i remember-oh wait. she doesn't have implants.

it's funny what becomes normal. every time ruby startles to a sound it startles me. i often forget that she can hear at this age. it became so normal to us that m couldn't hear (even with her hearing aids) until she had her implants that whenever ruby responds to sound it kind of surprises me.

welcome to the family

(sweet ruby,

all i can say is that i am doing my best to teach your sister to be gentle...

but she's a lover, just like her momma.)

my daughter likes to hug her new baby sister.

so far, no bruises, just some smashed newborn body parts here and there.

so, it all starts innocently with, "mommy, roro hold baby ruby"

she points out baby ruby's body parts...

and then goes in for the lovin'

a little closer

ruby begins to look kind of stressed

but is powerless to her big sister's 2 year old strength

finally, i intervene since ruby is completely smashed up

little m, happy as can be and oblivious to her poor sister's distress

apparently the pain isn't too bad because seconds later ruby is ready for a nap

be still my beating heart

lately little m has been obsessed with drawing and coloring.

she goes and sits in her chair and colors away for long periods of time. she tends to stick with purple and red, and prefers markers to crayons. she is as particular as her mommy when it comes to how, where, and what she wants to draw. i love it. i feel like i am going back in time to when i was a very young girl and watching myself draw for hours. maybe we'll do a collaborative painting sometime soon!

donut date

this morning i took little m out on a special date with me, since essentially i am feeding her baby sister for 12 hours a day. that means waaaay less attention for her.

i figured she needed some one on one mommy time, so i took her to get a treat at the donut shop and left baby ruby home with matt.

after she happily polished off this chocolate sprinkle donut, she wooed her way to an extra donut hole from the woman working, and pranced and twirled her chocolate smeared face self into the hearts of the table full of older men sitting behind us. sugared up, we made up some silly songs on our drive home & came back laughing and with full tummies.

mission accomplished.

the best mother's day present possible

for months, i have been trying to get little m to say "mommy."

but no, sweet thing calls me "ma".

she also calls my mom and matt's mom ma. that's right, we are all ma.

meanwhile, matt is daddy or sometimes daddy-oh (yes, seriously). she says all sorts of two syllable names, even three syllable ones: micah, cameron, kalia, becca, cassandra, etc etc.

but i have just been "ma."

i mean, i am the one who carried her in my body and gave (painful) birth to her-

i figured i could at least get that second syllable,

or be differentiated from the rest of the pack in some way.

it didn't seem like that much to ask in light of all the other

(may i add slightly less important) names she says...

for example, the name of the contractor working on our house,

who has been in her life all of two weeks.

just saying.

i asked sharon, her therapist at school, to work on it with her.

but to no avail.

no matter what sneaky tricks i tried, i was still just ma, lumped in with the grandmas.

which is all fine and good of course,

but i had it stuck in my head that i wanted that second syllable.

(silly, i know.)

on sunday, matt taught m an adapted version of a song we sing at school called "special, special family;" he changed it to "special, special mommy" and it was my mother's day present from little m.

except that of course when the time came to sing it to me, she refused.

not a single note or stanza.

instead, out of the blue she shouted, "MOMMY!"

i stopped and cheered (literally),

"you called me mommy!!!!!!!"

and my heart did a flip flop.

it was the best mother's day gift ever.

and since then, all week long, i have been mommy.

not ma.

mommy.

she's screamed it, whispered it, sung it, stated it.

mommy.

in fact, yesterday at target, (when i was standing all of two feet from her)

she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted at the top of her lungs,

"MOMMY! MOMMY!"

(and to add on to the gloriousness,

she has marched around the house singing the special, special mommy song,

which pretty much melts my heart every time)

love.

her.

(ps i give matt full credit for somehow getting her to say mommy. 100%.)

joy in the journey

going, going...gone.

sometimes a full morning of waking up early, then a one hour commute to school, 3 hours of class and therapy, and finally the one hour drive home is too much for this little one and she falls soundly asleep en route home to oakland. admittedly her car-nap is not my favorite thing: if she falls asleep for even five minutes of the drive she won't take her regular afternoon nap. that means no break (or lately, naptime) for me, plus it means a fussypants kiddo until bedtime. that said, it is a full morning of trekking and work for her, so i understand why she wants to sleep.

she was pretty tired after school yesterday, so she fell asleep a few minutes in, and it gave me about 45 minutes of quiet to think.

when we first heard the words that monrovia was deaf, an impenetrable darkness and hopelessness descended into our lives. that sounds dramatic, but that is how it felt. i was sad, angry, and lost. i didn't know at that point that our daughter would be full of life and joy even without the ability to hear. (of course, i could have told you in an abstract sense that things would be ok, and i usually smiled and nodded at the well-meaning people who told me that, but i didn't feel that way in the moment.)

there are many moments that will be hard on this journey, but as i was driving yesterday, i was so thankful for the gifts that have come out of having a daughter who is deaf. i am incredibly grateful for the people who are now a part of my life who likely i never would have met unless my daughter was deaf.

as i sat in the family room of m's school while monrovia was in class, talking with other moms whose kids also have hearing loss. moms who are now friends; moms who teach me how to be a good mom by the way that they parent their daughters; moms that i can talk to about all sorts of things- buying houses, good recipes, life's ups and downs, cute shoes, etc.; moms who get it because we are on similar journeys.

in monrovia's therapy session, i was grateful for her therapist, sharon, who has been working with our daughter since she was 7 months old, and who rejoices with us in every single developmental milestone.

as i walked up to morning music with m's teacher, sally, i was thankful for her energy and creativity in a classroom of two year olds. she brings out the best of the kids in her class.

when monrovia accidentally wiped hand sanitizer in her eyes, beginning a full fledged screamfest, and her classroom aide, matt, came to her rescue wiping her eyes and supplying two animal crackers as diversion, i was thankful for his patience. (and the fact that he is her first grown up boy crush. i hear about matt all day long, every day...)

just watching both sally and sharon exhausts me, but i never doubt that they are on our team and are celebrating our whole daughter, and not just her speech and language development.

and then there are those who i have met through the world of blogging, some who i have met in person, some whom i have not, who have become friends, and who are an encouragement and support.

i'm thankful that 2 years into this journey, my life is richer and wholer. i never would have imagined that when we heard the words "profound hearing loss", but it is worth celebrating.

a day of all around awesome

april 12th (today) marks the births of three people in my life who have significantly shaped who i am as a person. since all three of them happen to be great, i have decided that people born today must be, as a rule, awesome.

happy birthday to my uncle arthur!

one of the gifts of my jaunt back to michigan in march was that i got to see my mom's sister fern emma and her husband arthur for lunch. they are both so dear to me, but i am so grateful for my uncle- not just for the many conversations we've had over the years, but also for the profound impact he has had on my mom's life. my uncle is kind of like a brother to my mom (she is one of 6 girls.) he is a patient and tender hearted, and i value the times i've gotten to sit down and talk to him. it has been a treasure to me to have his support and love as i have grown up, and especially recently in the midst of so much damage in my immediate family. (uncle arthur, this is a gentle reminder to book a flight to come visit us in oakland!)

happy birthday to shelly, or as i like to call her, my mamabear #2!

shelly has known me since i was about 7 years old, and she has endured every one of my glorious stages in life (good and downright awful) just like a parent would & loved me through all of them, even when i wasn't so pleasant to be around. she is an old school member of "the mommy network," so i know she is always keep abreast of the latest drama in my life and my siblings lives. when i need another mom to talk to, she is the first number i call. she has counseled me & encouraged me (and chastized me) from across the country for years, and i consider myself an honorary daughter to her. i don't know what i would do without her loyal and consistent presence in my life. when my life exploded in my face, i called her within minutes and we got her on a plane as soon as we could to come support our whole family. (shelly, this is your gentle reminder to book a flight to come visit oakland!)

happy birthday to little m!

two years old. oh goodness, i never could have predicted the twists and turns of the last two years since my daughter was born. somehow she has taught me more about faith, hope, joy, patience, and gentleness than the 30 odd years leading up to her birth. what a treasure she is to both matt and i. what a miracle it is to watch her grow and learn and change daily. i am so honored to be her mom and to share this journey with her. i hope she will be gracious to me in my many failings as a parent.

i am only able to be a good mom to her because i have had the gift of such a warm, supportive community- yes, in the last two years, but also in the years leading up to her entrance into our family. people like arthur and shelly (and so so many others) who have taught me what it is to love well regardless of the season of life you find yourself in. i am grateful.

happy birthday to all three of you-

such different people, a different number of candles,

different spots on the map and in my life,

but you all make me better.

how time rushes by

this week two sets of friends gave birth to baby girls!

my friend xuchi & her husband welcomed nuala,

and jennifer and her husband luke welcomed flora.

(welcome to this world little ones)

this morning matt, monrovia and i went to the hospital where jennifer gave birth to flora yesterday to drop off treats and coffee. it happens to be the same hospital where m as born almost (just two days shy!) two years ago, and as i thought of my feisty, silly daughter racing around the hospital courtyard while i went to visit this 16 hour old newborn girl, i thought of just how quickly time races by.

here is m, wearing my shoes, traipsing around the livingroom, desperately wanting to be a big girl (and thinking that she is).

it seems like moments go that i was cradling her tiny, brand new body in my arms in a hospital bed, marveling that she had been inside of me and now was out in the world and a part of our family.

it is a treasure, this time.

these mundane days of play and naps and meals and laughter and temper tantrums and sickness and school and learning and screamfests and trips to the park and the store and the library. it goes so quickly. m is no longer a baby- now she is a girl.

in a month or so i will be back in that hospital bed, holding another little life in my arms, marveling at his or her soft head and flailing arms, discovering this second baby's temperament and personality. and then before i know it, that child will be racing around, trying to wear shoes that are too big, trying to keep up with his or her big sister.

so i tell myself,

slow down. enjoy. soak it up. remember. be patient. write things down.

hug & kiss & tell my daughter that she is a delight and wonder

and that i am so glad to be her mommy.

(slow down & cherish the day you're given)

splish splash

aunt robyn & uncle chris sent little m fun treats for the bathtub: washable bath crayons & paints, fizzy colored tablets that make the water different colors (hence the red water), and bright red bath foam.
m already loves bathtime, but now her average stay in the tub has been extended by a good 30 minutes. (thanks robyn & chris!)

sometimes bathtime makes me sad, because m can't wear her implants in the water and is splashing around so getting her attention to sign anything is hard or i won't know the sign for what i want to say to her. it is one of those many moments when i wish she could hear me always.

but then she has such joy tromping around in the water, and she delights in every moment of playing in the tub, and i remember that it is my grief-not yet (and maybe never) hers.

so that sadness is flooded with gratitude for her laughter, even as i struggle with the realness of the loss of a child who can just always hear like i can. even as i try to push away twinges of jealousy at the moms who can comfort their child with spoken words when shampoo gets in their eyes, or explain that it is time to clean up the toys and get out of the tub, or sing silly bath songs.

look at that smile.

she can't hear me, but she is delighted as can be.