as of friday, ruby was 4 months old. first of all, her hair continues to be amazing (see above.)
she is becoming so much more interactive in her old age, and still has such a sweet temperament. i see these glimpses of the girls staying up til all hours and getting each other into trouble. oh, how full our hands will be.
it's funny - little m was forced to be flexible because we were always schlepping her to and from appointments, therapy, and deaf related stuff. (and when i say m was flexible, i mean she often screamed her little feisty heart out, but she learned to go with the flow because there really was no other choice.) ruby is forced to be flexible because we schlep her to m's school three days a week, and then since we are doing that, why not just bring her along to every other place we are off to? and so it goes. the gift has been that she is incredibly mellow - even with long car rides, multiple appointments for m, random napping locations (often the car seat) and a big sister who likes to maul her. of course, she shares two things in common with her big sister: a. they have the same exact cry face; somehow their mouths look identical when it is time to scream and b. when it is time to scream, ruby can hit some veeeery high decibels. the girl is loud and committed to letting us know that she is, indeed, displeased.
the first thing m says every morning when i go in to get her, even before we put her implants on, is "i want to go see baby ruby?" so, you see, we all like her around these parts.
in short, i think she is pretty marvelous. i am so happy she is a part of our family.
it's hard to know where to start: one of my best friends had a baby yesterday, my brother got married this weekend, our dear friends were here for a week prior to that, and i never really recapped vacation.
i feel like i am constantly telling people, "life is so crazy right now because x, y, and z has been happening. i would love to see you-maybe next week will be less hectic?" but it just feels like really, life is always pretty busy. usually it is busy in a good way- i am so grateful that we have such good friends, and family that lives close by, and two very fun kids. adding in another day of school, and a longer school day at that, has for some reason really added a lot to our schedule - it just makes for a very full and frantic schedule, especially in the mornings. i don't know if i just need to recognize that at this point in time life is full, and that each week holds a lot of activity. it isn't even as if it is full with loads of friend time - it just feels packed with the nuts and bolts of parenting two little ones, school, finishing unpacking the house, nursing a lot, and trying to squeeze freelance work and my vocation as an artist in at any possible time.
i was halfway through this blogpost, and - in keeping with the subject matter - didn't have time to finish writing it in one sitting, when i saw this article posted on a friend's facebook page. and i thought, this article is better than any accompanying personal photo i can post, because i ask myself this same question: "why don't i have time?" i'm not technically a stay-at-home mom, since i work from home and in my studio, but enough of it resonated with me that i thought i'd share it. i think it applies whether you work as a mom, work from home, or work outside of the home part-time or full-time.
on that note...since i have one child asleep & one in class, i have a window of time to work, so off to knock out some freelance.
lots to post, so hopefully i'll be back here soon!
like towers (exhibit a-the crackers+cheese version)
prancing around in my shoes-especially the high ones
more towers (exhibit b-the blocks version)
ponytails and clips
taking care of her babies
oh, and taking care of baby ruby of course, which entails a lot of gazing lovingly and holding for about 13 seconds
reading
and more towers (exhibit c-the wooden city version)
and really, most of all, she is into slaying my heart with her cuteness.
i swear lately she is so funny and silly and creative and delightful.
(except for those nasty temper tantrum whine fests she also has in her arsenal, but i prefer to think that is just her learning how to communicate, although it exhausts me, all of the drama. matt would say that that is quite fitting, since i tend to have a teensy amount of drama buried really deep down inside.)
have you ever had red velvet cake?it's matt's fav. last week, our friend linda came over and schooled us in her wicked red velvet cupcake making ways, a la a paula deen recipe. i decided the cupcake version is even better- a higher frosting to cake ratio. yummy + pretty- what more could you ask for?
our cute taste tester. despite her ear infections she seemed to be able to lick the spoon.
m gives the batter a thumbs up
i can't lie- maybe we sampled the frosting too.
linda bears with our hot kitchen and frosts up the cupcakes
{love the raspberries!}
{sprinkles aren't bad either, and are in honor of little m}
hard working bakers, post frost fest
note m's matching cupcake shirt. don't get that impressed- i'm not usually that awesome as a mom. some days you just luck out!
these two munchkins have kept my hands full the last few weeks.
here's the thing: i am just trying to figure it all out right now - the balancing act of being a good wife, mom, friend, artist, freelancer, homeowner in addition to having time set aside that is good for my soul, time to exercise, time to rest. it feels a bit overwhelming to be honest.
but in the midst of this crash course in parenting two instead of just one, i am savoring the little moments that make up our days.
i like being a mom.
i like figuring it all out, even though i don't feel too great at juggling it all quite yet (most likely i never will feel like i've perfected it,) i am reminding myself that {nursing diapers spit up on all of my clothes a toddler who just wants to climb on me and talk to me and play with me an infant who is helpless without me washing little bowls & little spoons exhausting trips to the park, the library, the store treks to school in & out of carseats whining for snacks little voices, newborn cries bathtime the neverending cleaning up toys and books loads of laundry full of little clothes answering questions over & over last minute appointments at the pediatrician late nights rocking my little one who can't sleep} this is such a brief and special season.
my friend hannah has this quote on her blog:
Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -Annie Dillard
so true. and so i am soaking up these busy, messy, tiring days... enjoying the sound of my daughter's laughter filling the house... recognizing that time passes so quickly and the things that i usually worry about the most matter the least
work, cleaning, organizing, projects, to do lists will all be right where i left them. tomorrow.
(unrelated to anything in this post but just cute of my mom and ruby. reminds me of this picture of m when she was a newborn napping on matt)
i have multiple longer, more meaningful posts on my mind, but i am tired. i need to sleep. and i am just so behind in everything in life these days, although i did pay all the bills yesterday (i know, this is a gripping post, isn't it.)
i still haven't figured out the whole get everything done with two kids thing. maybe i need to let go of the getting everything done. but how about getting ANYTHING done? is that too much to ask?
and also, suddenly ants invaded our house. i hate ants.
{finally, happy anniversary to the ogdens & juliens! happy 8th and 36th respectively!}
extra final note, this friday july 2nd is my mom's birthday. so if you know her and you want to shower her with lovin', you should. because she deserves it.
super extra final note: i am telling you, these ants are everywhere. an ant is crawling on my leg! i hate these silly ants!!!!
when it comes to u2, my friend nancy says i am a superfan. (as my pal hannah would say- no judgey judgey. i know there are far cooler musicians to etch onto your heart, but i don't care. i love them.) i don't know about the term SUPERfan- i don't have a personalized U2 license plate, or a joshua tree tattoo. i don't wear old tour t-shirts or fly to ireland to watch their concert at slane castle or save money just to fly to half of the shows on their tour. (ah, which may sound crazy but plenty of U2 superfans do...)
but, she has at least a partial point:
i have been listening to u2 since i was about 10.
the first tape i bought was a U2 tape.
i did write an english essay my freshman year of high school based on the official biography of these four musicians.
i have been to every concert U2 has played in the bay area since 1991.
i used to camp out all night in line to buy tickets outside of the music store. and yes, for the past few tours i have waited in the general admission line (for more details on that check out this post) for over 24 hours (with all of the other superfans)
you may remember, i did drive to arizona with my brothers this fall to hear them in concert.
i can tell you most trivia facts about the band members. like, if you want to know bono's birthday, or how they became a band, or the edge's daughter's name? embarrassingly enough, i'm your girl.
and just maybe, i am convinced that at some point in my life, i will have my own personal concert with my friends bono, the edge, adam clayton & larry mullen jr. i'm not kidding. (i even know where the personal concert will be held. if you're lucky, i'll invite you.)
so it didn't seem that crazy to me when last fall, about a week after i'd driven to arizona to see U2 in concert, i bought general admission tickets for the newly announced oakland show. even though my due date for ruby was 3 weeks before the concert date. even though general admission tickets involve getting to the venue at an ungodly time- preferably at least 24 hours ahead of time to wait, and then once the venue is opened up, making a mad rush to get as close to the stage as possible without being stampeded, then waiting for a few more hours smashed in with hundreds of other superfans (no bathroom breaks, no moving from your spot.) i couldn't for the life of me figure out how i could work out nursing a 3 week old, sprinting across an entire stadium to mark my territory and then waiting without needing to head to the bathroom (trust me. those last two items on the list seem impossible mere weeks after birthing a baby. let's just say i'm still healing.)
so. i tried to work out a plan involving friends passing ruby off to me in line, making friends with security guards, pumping milk while i waited for the concert with 200 of my closest friends. um, all totally ridiculous attempts that would no way work.
and then,
bono proved to me that he is my pal.
the concert, which was supposed to be tonight, in oakland....is postponed until 2011. much to the distress of many U2 fans, and to my sheer delight...bono jacked up his back a few weeks ago. so. he had emergency back surgery and physical therapy and rest (sorry about that bono) and as a result, this entire leg of the tour is postponed. which means, i can go next year without going to extreme measures. and just maybe, this will be the time i'm pulled up on stage to sing along & dance with bono. (i should clarify that i don't really have the need to dance with bono, it would just be the vehicle to have a conversation with him about how he is going to buy some of my paintings or send me to africa to work on some worthy project. i would way rather dance with my husband.)
one of the lyrics i repeated to myself while i was in labor was "always pain before the child is born" from the song yahweh. it kind of comforted me through contractions and pushing. serious. so, thanks to bono's back issues, i get to go to the concert next year. for now, i'm content to watch clips of them live.
this morning i took little m out on a special date with me, since essentially i am feeding her baby sister for 12 hours a day. that means waaaay less attention for her.
i figured she needed some one on one mommy time, so i took her to get a treat at the donut shop and left baby ruby home with matt.
after she happily polished off this chocolate sprinkle donut, she wooed her way to an extra donut hole from the woman working, and pranced and twirled her chocolate smeared face self into the hearts of the table full of older men sitting behind us. sugared up, we made up some silly songs on our drive home & came back laughing and with full tummies.
for months, i have been trying to get little m to say "mommy."
but no, sweet thing calls me "ma".
she also calls my mom and matt's mom ma. that's right, we are all ma.
meanwhile, matt is daddy or sometimes daddy-oh (yes, seriously). she says all sorts of two syllable names, even three syllable ones: micah, cameron, kalia, becca, cassandra, etc etc.
but i have just been "ma."
i mean, i am the one who carried her in my body and gave (painful) birth to her-
i figured i could at least get that second syllable,
or be differentiated from the rest of the pack in some way.
it didn't seem like that much to ask in light of all the other
(may i add slightly less important) names she says...
for example, the name of the contractor working on our house,
who has been in her life all of two weeks.
just saying.
i asked sharon, her therapist at school, to work on it with her.
but to no avail.
no matter what sneaky tricks i tried, i was still just ma, lumped in with the grandmas.
which is all fine and good of course,
but i had it stuck in my head that i wanted that second syllable.
(silly, i know.)
on sunday, matt taught m an adapted version of a song we sing at school called "special, special family;" he changed it to "special, special mommy" and it was my mother's day present from little m.
except that of course when the time came to sing it to me, she refused.
not a single note or stanza.
instead, out of the blue she shouted, "MOMMY!"
i stopped and cheered (literally),
"you called me mommy!!!!!!!"
and my heart did a flip flop.
it was the best mother's day gift ever.
and since then, all week long, i have been mommy.
not ma.
mommy.
she's screamed it, whispered it, sung it, stated it.
mommy.
in fact, yesterday at target, (when i was standing all of two feet from her)
she cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"MOMMY! MOMMY!"
(and to add on to the gloriousness,
she has marched around the house singing the special, special mommy song,
which pretty much melts my heart every time)
love.
her.
(ps i give matt full credit for somehow getting her to say mommy. 100%.)
last year i wrote this about the gift that is all the different sorts of moms in our lives. i read it again this morning and another year into being a mom it seemed even more true to me.
i am so thankful for the moms in my life. i am so thankful that i get to be a mom.
to honor my own amazing mom today,
a few of the things she's taught me along the way:
live with integrity, even when it costs you
it isn't called getting lost - it's called "we're going on an adventure"
at the end of the day, it's more important to spend an extra few minutes with your children than it is to make sure your kitchen is spotless
tell your kids how much you love being their mom, and how glad you are that they are in your family
remember that your children are individuals - that means loving, disciplining, supporting, and interacting with each one according to who they are as unique human beings
if you love deeply, you'll grieve deeply too.
you don't have to follow a recipe exactly. (in fact, you don't need to follow a recipe at all to make some pretty delicious food.)
the end of summer vacation is the worst time of the year, because that's when your kids have to go back to school.
pray for your children & pray with your children
stand by your convictions, even when it embarrasses your kids
hug & snuggle your kids. comfort them. delight in them. laugh & cry with them.
treat other people as if they are a part of your family-you'll end up with a whole lot of extra adopted children along the way
silliness is an essential ingredient in being a good mom
this week two sets of friends gave birth to babygirls!
my friend xuchi & her husband welcomed nuala,
and jennifer and her husband luke welcomed flora.
(welcome to this world little ones)
this morning matt, monrovia and i went to the hospital where jennifer gave birth to flora yesterday to drop off treats and coffee. it happens to be the same hospital where m as born almost (just two days shy!) two years ago, and as i thought of my feisty, silly daughter racing around the hospital courtyard while i went to visit this 16 hour old newborn girl, i thought of just how quickly time races by.
here is m, wearing my shoes, traipsing around the livingroom, desperately wanting to be a big girl (and thinking that she is).
it seems like moments go that i was cradling her tiny, brand new body in my arms in a hospital bed, marveling that she had been inside of me and now was out in the world and a part of our family.
it is a treasure, this time.
these mundane days of play and naps and meals and laughter and temper tantrums and sickness and school and learning and screamfests and trips to the park and the store and the library. it goes so quickly. m is no longer a baby- now she is a girl.
in a month or so i will be back in that hospital bed, holding another little life in my arms, marveling at his or her soft head and flailing arms, discovering this second baby's temperament and personality. and then before i know it, that child will be racing around, trying to wear shoes that are too big, trying to keep up with his or her big sister.
so i tell myself,
slow down. enjoy. soak it up. remember. be patient. write things down.
hug & kiss & tell my daughter that she is a delight and wonder
one of the not so fun aspects of pregnancy for me is that my body decides it can't sleep. it pretty much happens from day one of pregnancy and stretches, well, until the little bambino pushes out into the world and continues to deprive me of sleep for another 10 months.
i can never predict when it will happen or what will spur it on, but usually it is either my mind racing, or restless leg syndrome (another gift of pregnancy), sciatica or general discomfort. i toss and turn until i can't handle it anymore.
here i am, with about 2 months to go in this pregnancy, up at 5 am on a saturday morning. matt and m are sound asleep, and here i am, sitting on the couch tired
but. wide. awake.
i've been awake since 3:30, trying all of my tricks to fall back asleep. at a certain point, i just give up, and out to the couch it is to read, or blog, or somehow occupy myself.
i always thought i would be one of those women who loved being pregnant, and who had such an easy pregnancy at that. (not sure where that concept came from) and yet...not so much. both times around my body has paid the price for carrying a little one.
dear little baby, i love you already, but seriously. you are going to keep me awake at all hours come may, so why not give me the gift of uninterrupted deep sleep until then? xo, your mommy who really would love two more hours of sleep right about now.
when she hears an airplane she says, "up, up up, whee!")
this next week, little m's ears turn 7 months old. her cochlear implants were activated march 18th, and so she has been getting sound into her for the past seven months. seven months of amazing. my daughter is deaf, but she is learning to listen.
i have written countless posts in my mind lately of all of the progress m has been making as she learns to listen and talk.
for now, i'll keep it to this: it is a lot of work, learning to listen & teaching to listen. but it is a daily miracle for me to hear her say, "who, who, who" when i ask her what an owl says or "meeow" when we see a cat outside. i ask her if she wants to listen to music and she points to the ipod. when someone is headed out the door and she says, "ba-ba" (bye-bye). when we sing itsy bitsy spider and she says "tsts" for itsy bitsy, and "dow" for "down the water spout". if i ask, "where is the pumpkin?" she points right to the round orange gourd on the table.
i am truly reminded every day that watching her soak up the world of sound is a gift. i am honored to be her mom. i am humbled that in many ways i get to truly celebrate and treasure sounds for the first time as little m hears them; i no longer take the ability to hear for granted.
it is still a miracle to me that my daughter can turn to her name, or cry because of the smoke detector going off, or mimic a sound, or say dad and mom. in some ways, this journey is about me learning to listen as much at it is for my deaf daughter.
i feel that i should clarify (my last post) by saying:
i am very thankful for the leaps and bounds that little m has already made. she does respond to sound in ways that she never, ever did before having cochlear implants. she does babble. she does have some receptive words and (maybe, hard to tell) emerging expressive words. she is doing so, so well and i am very proud of her. little m so works hard at listening and learning! i didn't make it mean to sound so hopeless, because truly i believe her growth already is a daily miracle.
i know that she will be in a place where she is speaking and listening. i know this because i see kids who are older than she is, who are doing exactly that! but i also don't want to pretend that there aren't times that it isn't hard, and that all of this work (although i know that it is worth it) is tiring. sometimes i just am grieving the necessity of doing so much work.
it's been a hard "deaf issues" week. first, i increasingly realize what typical hearing kids are doing at a much younger age because, well, i have been around more of them lately. that isn't a bad thing, but it brings these feelings up & i want to be honest with myself about that. second, we had a lot of appointments last week and then a very hard therapy session this morning. it has been a week where it makes me sad that little m has to go to all of these hearing loss related therapies and audiology appointments. i feel bad for her when she is tired and cranky and yet is slotted for a therapy or booth test. i wish she could just snuggle in her crib for a nap, or play on her floor and not with a professional. but i am grateful for the people she works with- they are amazing.
i don't think that this issue is just one for those of us who have deaf or special needs children. we live in a culture of comparison, and i myself hate when i am feeling competitive or comparing, so i thought i'd bring it up (as ugly as it may be.) i feel like it has struck me even more since becoming a parent, although i think it is rampant in our society (and maybe human nature?) in general.
i don't feel like this all the time. but it is there enough that i thought i would give it a voice, so that if you have ever felt the same or similar you wouldn't feel alone.
(thanks for the encouragement, to those of you who have commented.
i am grateful to those of you who are a few steps ahead of me,
as well as those of you who are on a different journey but who walk with me,
even though i am a broken person, mother, and friend)
it's what i look out at in the early morning, when little m is up and ready to play, and i am wishing for an hour more of rest. even though i'd rather sleep in (matt can attest to that), there is something very peaceful about waking up as the day is becoming, and the sky is growing lighter and lighter.
ever since i was a little girl i've loved to see the dark outline of trees against the dawn or evening sky. in the distance i can see the bay, and somewhat less beautiful, the bart train carrying people to work. as the train goes rushing by, i can hear it faintly, and it stands as a reminder that even though it would be nice to crawl under my covers and head back to sleep, that i am happy sitting on the floor, playing with blocks and puzzles as this new morning begins.
one of the things matt and i have heard many, many times since little m's deafness was diagnosed is some variation of, "she is so lucky to have you as parents" or "you are the perfect people to be her parents. (ie the parents of a child with hearing loss or a disability of some sort)" it's one of those comments that i've found is kind of funny. ok, not really funny-ha-ha, more like funny-weird-and-annoying. i know that it is intended as a compliment, and is a way for people to encourage matt and i that we will love her well and embrace her with joy despite her hearing loss. (and so don't feel bad if you've said this to us.)
but...it's funny to me because, wouldn't any parent love their child no matter what their child's physical and mental abilities? yes, i am sure there are exceptions, but there is nothing special about us in that respect - we are just loving our daughter as any good parent would. and a little bit, as the recipient of this comment it feels like someone is either saying, "i wouldn't be able to handle it, but you're the type of people who can" or "little m has hearing loss because you and matt have the capacity to handle a child with hearing loss." i know that isn't what people mean by saying she's lucky to have us as her momma and papa...
i don't quite know how to articulate what about that statement makes me squirm awkwardly, but it hits me someplace wrong inside every time. it ends up feeling like a backhanded compliment that i don't really know how to respond to.
until now. i've thought about it for a while: she's not the lucky one, we are the lucky ones. little m is a gift that brings such joy and life to matt and i. sure, i grieve that she can't hear my voice saying "i love you" on a daily basis. but she gives me so much more than i give her.
i am so lucky.
blessed.
filled to the brim with gratitude that she is in my family.
(p.s. i should add that the last 9 months have been a constant reminder that i, myself, utter well meaning words all the freaking time that probably annoy, offend, or do absolutely nothing helpful to the person with whom i am speaking. so more than anything, i am learning to look at myself and my words...and trying to speak fewer, more carefully chosen ones.)
