life

feels like life has been hurtling by, in all of its glorious messiness and mayhem. am i right?

(ruby sleeping last week, with her friends little house + richard scarry)

time feels precious to me lately. i walked into the girls room last night and they were both sprawled out, legs splayed and covers twisted around their bodies every which way. the hallway light fell on their sleeping faces, and i just wanted to gather them up into my arms and hold them.

i dropped monrovia off at school this morning; as we walked up the hill to get there, her hand in mine, she told me all about what they'd learned about the day before for black history month. it felt like a sacred moment, and one that would soon be gone. i know after not too long she won't want to be holding my hand in public.

ruby has been so clingy lately, saying, "Uppy, uppy!" like a little baby to get me to carry her around. i was getting frustrated with her about it; it just seemed like i could hardly move a couple feet without her pulling on me or wrapping herself around my legs. and then i thought, it's going to be done soon. this part of life with children. so slow yourself down and pick that girl up while you still can, susannah.

i wish everything was unicorns and rainbows around our house, but i won't lie. it's been a battle lately, this parenting thing. i want to teach my girls appropriate boundaries for pushing back at me as their mom, and boy are they testing those boundaries. sometimes at about 5 pm i'm ready to call it a day and ship everyone off to bed, including myself. this morning i had barely put breakfast on the table before i was ready to call a time out. i mean, COME ON, how many times can you say no or complain within the first hour of waking up? i don't know, but my children are the current world record holders i think.

so. left hand? sweet slivers of time that will be gone way too soon: like their chubby little bodies finally at rest, or holding their little hands in mine, or their cute little pieces of artwork that they thrust into my face for approval. right hand? button pushing, screaming, whining, complaining meltdowns on repeat.

the challenge for me is to hold both of those hands open. know that to grow up well they have to do both and that my job as a good mom is to nurture the snuggling moments, and to allow and shape the crazy moments without losing my %&$#. man, it's hard. so despite the running on empty i'm forging ahead (because ha! what choice to i have!) and trying to breathe deep, love these little humans while teaching them what behavior is ok and what is not so much.

meanwhile, i'm learning what mommy behavior is ok and what not so much: when to reprimand, when to hug, when to give space, when to push in and let them be a mess. (feel free to insert your wisdom in the comments section)

lord, have mercy.

because most days i have to hope i'm making the right choices in how i'm loving them. and then the other days i just figure they'll end up in years of therapy.