our little family

i wanted to share with you what has been going on in our lives since wednesday. 

m did not pass the initial newborn hearing screening at the hospital, which we thought was no big deal because she was really fussy and awake when they tried to administer it, and because they told us at the hospital that it was very common that babies fail initially. WELL, i took her to get retested at an actual test site with an audiologist on wednesday, and she failed both tests they gave her in both ears. there is a very small chance that she still has fluid in her ears, which would cause her to fail and not hear, but the more we talk to people about it, the less possible that seems. it is at this point a very very high probability that monrovia has hearing loss- although we don't know the extent of the loss at this point. it could be anywhere from mild hearing loss to profound loss or deafness. 

she is really visually alert and aware, but does not respond at all to loud or sudden sounds around the house; they don't startle her at all and she doesn't ever look in the direction of a noise or a voice. today our pediatrician also told us that we need to be hyper aware of any signs of sickness in her, as i guess the kidneys form at the same time as the ears in utero, so often babies with ear problems also have kidney problems. we see an ear nose throat doctor at children's hospital on tuesday, and then from there they will do hearing tests to determine how severe the loss is.

i am really emotional, thinking through what this would mean for her life, especially if she has profound or total hearing loss. i am struggling with moments of feeling like if i had done something different during pregnancy that maybe her ears would have developed normally. and then i switch to feeling like she is perfect as she is, and maybe this is who God made her to be. i just feel like life is going to be harder for her, and that breaks my heart. anyway, i am trying not be worse case scenario, but as we continue talking to specialists and doctors, it looks like we need to be prepared for more rather than less hearing loss.

i'll keep you updated.