to being brave

 

a letter to my daughter as she turns six years old,

in some ways you are a paradox: 

since the day you were born you have been a snuggler, rooting against me in infancy not just to nurse, but to be close to me, pushing your small head against my chin, pushing to feel the resistance of another body against your own. and at 6, you are still the same. in the wee hours of the morning when it is still dark outside you will crawl into bed between daddy and me, migrating towards whatever body you can to make contact. if i am sitting at my desk or at the table, you will climb up onto my lap, wedging yourself between me and whatever i am working on. in the kitchen as i chop and mix, you drag your chair in from the diningroom and push it right in front of the cutting board to help, whether i want you to or not.

even so, you are my child who needs space. you sneak up to your room and play alone for hours. i can hear the sound of your small voice as you talk to your calico critters, your my little ponies, your dolls, your legos. you need to be alone to reset. unlike your sister, who wants to interact in all ways and all times with any human in her space, you choose your proximity to others. you know well what you need, and when it is time to escape to the backyard to swing or climb, to cuddle on the couch with books, and to sit on my studio floor drawing.

i've always felt protective of you, my sweet girl. your sister is so confident in interacting with adults, and almost to a fault desires to please those around her; of course she is rewarded with praise and affection, while you are less willing to freely hand out hugs and smiles and the words-you-are-supposed-to-say to the grownups in your life who have expectations of you. it's easy for her to get the kudos and attention from others, and for you to get overlooked. yes, i want you to be polite and kind and social, but i'm also proud of your ability to stand strong and independent. you choose carefully when and how you will show attachment, and then when you do it is real and true and an authentic expression of how you are feeling. 

as you get older, i want you to remember that i love you for all of these parts of you. 

i love that you forge your own path. you stand with your friends, and stick up for others even at a cost to you. you play with the boys and the girls, and when someone criticizes that, you smile and play on. you care so deeply about your sister, and you've learned all you can about her deafness and her cochlear implants: how to charge the batteries, how to turn on her implants for school, how to get her attention if she can't hear you, how to speak up for her, how she can read your lips most easily. i know she is good at speaking up for herself, but i think someday you will be her second best advocate in the world, and you may fight some of her battles for her that as her mom i'll never know about.

you are my little girl with big feelings. you have about 48 stuffed animals on your bed and you love each one as if they were living and breathing; if one is missing the tears come fast and furious. you do crazy flips and brave maneuvers on the monkey bars, but every single movie in the world is too scary for you to watch without covering your ears and closing your eyes. you are so deeply moved by the world around you, and sometimes you don't know where to put those feelings, or what to say about them, but hold on to them. you'll need them.

these will serve you well as you navigate this big world:

you are brave. 

you try hard and new things.

you are strong.

you are independent. resistant to others' opinions.

you don't care about what other people think about you.

you are loyal & kind. 

you love to play.

and these will be hard and might make you hurt sometimes, but make you softer and more whole:

you wear your heart on your sleeve & your feelings on your face.

you love with all you have.

you are sensitive. empathetic. 

you have a tender heart.

you love every animal you meet.

you want to be held close and loved well.

you are expressive and creative and always want to do your very best.

you are amazing my sweet ruby. 

listen to your brave heart, and ignore those who want you to do what everyone else is doing. 

it's overrated. and way less rewarding.

i love all the paradoxes that are you.

i love you,

mommy

sprinkles make a party!

last week i saw this recipe for confetti cookies on smitten kitchen, and i decided they were just the thing for ruby's ice cream themed birthday party! 

sprinkles on the ice cream...sprinkles on the cookies...sprinkles = a fiesta in your mouth! 

(sidebar: do you call these sprinkles or jimmies? when i was a kid in philadelphia we called them jimmies, but don't think they're called that here in the bay area. anyone?)

when i first found the recipe on smitten kitchen, she mentioned that there are no real rainbow sprinkles, and after trips to safeway, farmer joe's, beverly's, michael's, berkeley bowl? yep. red, orange, yellow, green, pink and white do not a rainbow make! where is the blue? the purple? after wasting waaaaaay too much time looking for blue and purple sprinkles i finally compromised with adding in some blue sprinkles from an small, over-priced container at michael's. (where are the baking supply stores in oakland?!)

these cookies are a cinch to bake, pretty as can be, and tasty (which often sugar cookies are not at all!) this is essentially the king arthur flour recipe for sugar cookies, rolled in sprinkles, and flattened slightly. here they are before they went in the oven, so instagramable...

and viola! after 9 minutes in the oven, they popped out looking like this!

you can get the recipe along with commentary & pretty pictures on smitten kitchen or follow it here:

Confetti Cookies from Smitten Kitchen
Recipe barely adapted from King Arthur, technique and language were tinkered with

If you’re using a food processer, no need to soften the butter or cream cheese first. If using an electric hand- or stand mixer, you’ll want them softened before you mix the dough. If you’re using vanilla bean, which I really love here, I find you can maximize the flavor you get out of it by rubbing the vanilla bean seeds right into your sugar, distributing it evenly and giving it a extra flavor-releasing abrasion. Then use the sugar as written below.

Yield: 4 dozen 2 1/2-inch cookies

3 cups (375 grams) all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon fine sea or table salt
1 cup (8 ounces, 225 grams or 2 sticks) unsalted butter
1/4 cup (2 ounces, 55 grams or 1/4 of an 8-ounce brick) cream cheese
1 1/4 cups (250 grams) granulated sugar
1 large egg
2 teaspoons vanilla extract or 1/2 a vanilla bean, split and scraped (see Note up top)
1/4 teaspoon almond extract (optional)
1 cup rainbow sprinkles

Heat oven to 375 degrees. Line two baking large sheets with parchment paper.

To make in a food processor: Place flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in the work bowl and pulse a few times to blend. Add butter and cream cheese in large chunks, plus sugar and blend until mixture is powdery. Add egg, vanilla and almond extracts and run machine until the dough balls together. You’ll probably need to scrape it down once or twice to get the mixture even.

To make with an electric mixer: Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a bowl and whisk to blend. In a large bowl or the bowl of a stand mixer, beat cream cheese, butter and sugar until fluffy. Add egg and extracts and blend again. Add flour mixture and beat just until flour disappears. In some cases, this dough will feel too soft to roll into balls in your hands; if so, let it chill in the fridge for 20 minutes or so before using.

Both methods: Scoop balls of dough — I like these cookies best with a #40, or 1 1/2 tablespoon, scoop; the texture is less dynamic when made smaller — and roll them briefly in the palms of your hands before dropping them in a bowl of rainbow sprinkles and gently rolling to coat them evenly. I find that the sprinkles adhere much better to tacky exterior of balls of dough that have been briefly warmed by your hands — trust me here.

Transfer balls of sprinkle-coated dough to baking sheets at least two inches apart. Use the bottom of a drinking glass to press down on the cookies until they are about 1/4 to 1/2-inch tall. If you see any bare spots in the sprinkles that bother you, you can sprinkle a few more on top. Bake for 9 to 10 minutes until they look underbaked but lightly golden underneath. [If they’re not quite soft in the center, they will be fully crisped through the next day.] Let set on the baking sheet on a rack for a few minutes before transferring to cooling racks to cool the rest of the way. Repeat with remaining cookie dough.

30 + 1

(friday, february 3)

guess who's coming to dinner?

yesterday was my brother aaron's 31st birthday.

his fun wife sarah came up with game for his birthday gift.

friday, saturday and sunday night she invited surprise guests for dinner!

our family was friday's guest slot!

we enjoyed some really good indian food at aaron & sarah's

along with my sister rebecca, her husband mark, their daughter sadie, my mom & my little family.

good food + family + girl cousin craziness (as in ruby, m and sadie) + brownie sundaes + silly games = super fun birthday celebration of my brother aaron

january 14, 2012

(january 14

brunch, 

husband + i, 

camino restaurant, oakland)

january 14th

is my birthday

and i love my birthday,

which my husband knows 

(as do all of you since i am not one to refrain from broadcasting my birthday love)

it was a very good day.

(primarily due to his thoughtfulness and planning) 

so,

today's photo is of matt;

he makes me a better person,

he is incredibly thoughtful,

and as every year passes i love him more.

true story.

(p.s. i don't love my grey hairs and wrinkles more, but it kind of goes with the territory)

birth day

me, in all my naked baby glory, mid 1975. 

if you've been around these parts for a while, you know that i love my birthday.

i thanked my mom last year for 35 and then for 34 rocked one of my favorite photos and oh, 

got blog hijacked!

it's been a full year, and so hard to believe that a year ago there was no baby ruby snuggling in my arms. this morning i got one of the very best presents possible, 

one that seems completely normal now 

but that i never could have imagined when m was first diagnosed deaf:

as i sit on the couch blogging and drinking coffee,

m has been dancing around the house to the black eyed peas (on repeat) in a velvet and plaid dress,

(which apparently has become the dress she wears to celebrate birthdays, since she has worn it 3 times in the last week.)

she was asking to do something and matt said that i got to pick because it was my birthday, 

so i get to pick everything we do all day long.

he asked if she wanted to sing happy birthday to me. 

m sidled up to me and started to sing, first a little quietly but slowly gaining volume, "happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to mommy."

as she sang,

i was getting teary thinking about how a year ago on my birthday she couldn't sing this song to me, 

and how two years ago i couldn't even picture what it would look like for her to dance to music, 

much less sing a song to me, 

since she couldn't even hear anything. 

at all.

she closed out her song the way they do at her school, with...

"how old are you?" 

i asked her to guess how old she thought i was. 

she squinched up her face in thought and said, "two?"

well, close enough.

and then she leaned over and gave me a hug and said, "happy birthday, mommy."

it is a happy birthday.

so much i am grateful for,

including you.

thank you.

party in the park

best place for a kiddo party? the park. 

the grownups can chat

 or wear shark masks

while the kiddos run around celebrating.

 unless you are too small to run around. in that case, you get snuggled.

and then passed for some more snuggling.

(just one more snuggle)

rebecca and mark had a pinata for the bigger kids,

although they had various methods for attacking the zebra...

 amy & becca give a crash course in how to hit a pinata

micah tries to go the gentle route.

 monrovia acted like she was brushing its' mane the first time around, and then she got into it.

 the crook at the end of the stick was a little on the dangerous side, 

especially when the biggest kids got up to swing.

and finally,

down came the zebra

spilling open with toys and stickers and treats!

 judah didn't quite totally get the concept...

and wept over the broken zebra

 wearing loot from the pinata

 m helps sadie blow her candle out!

(judah appears to have recovered and is now doing his best mccauley culkin home alone impersonation in the background)

happy birthday little one!

 yummy cupcakes for all

 sadie dutifully destroys her birthday treat

 and for ruby, one last snuggle lead to falling asleep on grandma.

super fun party enjoying the park before the chill of late fall sets in!

(oh oakland, how i love your moderate weather)

hey, cupcake

it was this little one's birthday party on saturday.
i can't believe it has been a year already!

(great party-super mellow in the park. if i have a chance i'll post more pictures later)

but in the meantime, let's stick with what's important: treats.

rebecca and i made cupcakes,

a recipe i'd had at a friend's birthday party a few months ago.

they were more brownie-like

(which i like, since i am not really a huge cake fan; i see cake more as a vehicle for frosting)

and delicious.

yummy yummy.

the recipe for both the cupcakes & frosting come from martha stewart.

(i say bookmark this one because a good cupcake is hard to find!)

here is the cupcake recipe at the source

Chocolate cupcakes

Makes 12

• 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 3 large eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup sour cream

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 12-cup standard muffin tin with paper liners.
2. Into a medium bowl, sift together cocoa, flour, baking powder, and salt; set aside. In a mixing bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each, then beat in vanilla. With mixer on low speed, add flour mixture in two batches, alternating with sour cream and beginning and ending with flour.
3. Pour batter into cups, filling each 3/4 full. Bake until a toothpick inserted in centers comes out clean, 20 to 25 minutes.
4. Cool in pan 5 minutes; transfer to a wire rack to cool completely, then spread with Easy White Icing using a table knife or small offset spatula. Decorate with sprinkles, if desired.

you can find the buttercream frosting recipe here,

or here if you are too lazy to hop over to her site:

Basic Buttercream Frosting
INGREDIENTS
3 sticks unsalted butter, softened
1 pound confectioners’ sugar, sifted
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Food coloring (optional)

PREPARATION

1. Beat butter with a mixer on medium-high speed until pale and creamy, about 2 minutes. Reduce speed to medium. Add sugar, 1/2 cup at a time, beating after each addition, about 5 minutes. (After every 2 additions, increase speed to high, and beat for 10 seconds, then reduce speed to medium-high).
2. Add vanilla, and beat until buttercream is smooth. Use immediately, or cover and refrigerate for up to 3 days. (If refrigerated before using, bring to room temperature, and beat on low speed until smooth.)

(as you can see my daughter was a big fan)

the absolutely no-mention-of-my children-post

i know they are delightful and all, but last night my husband requested a post about other, non offspring related aspects of life-art, friends, culture, etc.

your wish is my command, husband. (well, at least in this case)

i love to dance. i love my friend amy. i love strings of white lights. i love top-40 hip-hop/pop music. (hey-don't judge.) i love sangria. i love my friends. i remember back in my early 20's, when my friends and i would go to weddings and there would always be the freaker middle aged or older people whooping it up on the dance floor, who couldn't care less what anyone else thought of their crazy dance moves. and hello, now that is me. crank up some justin timberlake or black eyed peas and i'll boogie all night, just like your crazy uncle from the midwest who you only see at weddings.

it was my friend amy's birthday, so we had a dance party in her backyard. it was amazing. you should've been there (but only if you danced. no time for chit chat when there is dancing to do)

amy & david, our hosts in celebrating someone's birth on october 5th thirtysome years ago!

 sangria, anyone?

 (yes please)

 our dance floor in their backyard

 david is the king of finding odds & ends and refurbishing them into cuteness

i love that chair. i want it.

 me + birthday girl, aka my roommate. 

in case you were wondering, i will always think of amy as my rooommate. 

roommate in this case is in between friend and sister on the spectrum of personal history and importance-i'm not talking about some random you picked up on craigslist to fill that spot in your post-college house.

 love.

 um, i have no idea what we are doing here. or let me rephrase- i have no idea what that weird pose is that i am making. meanwhile, keith has his mid-80's brooding alternative band expression on.

 this is amy explaining, "i know this song is about shorties and pimps, but it's really good to dance to!"

 adriane brings back some old moves

 nancy gets saucy

 don't you want to invite us to your next party?

my sister rebecca gets her groove on

 amy has the longest wingspan of a human being ever

 matt & i are so fast that the camera can't quite capture our awesomeness

 (sweet moment)

 who needs more than 10 people at a dance party?

finally, as it got late, my feet were tired and it was time to head home.

loved every minute.

my new plan is to have a dance party every month.

who's in?