living

my brother put some music on my computer yesterday, and i these lyrics struck me:

living

am i really living

or am i just existing

hiding away

danger

the world is full of danger

but if i never try to go outside

my heart will waste away

-jj heller

i don't know that i feel like i am merely existing right now. on the contrary, i feel pretty alive (for all of life's bumps, bruises and joys). but i have felt this way many times in the past.

i'm a little succulent

in the last few years, i've sort of become obsessed with the coolness of succulents. i promise i have never stolen them from anyone's yard (although i've been tempted, especially because they can just grow back and you can just plant a torn off succulent and it will grow!) one of the characteristics of succulent plants (& trees) is that they are able to adapt to and flourish in arid climate and soil conditions. they store water in their stems, roots and/or leaves. these little built in water-saving containers gives succulents a more swollen appearance than other plants. (and in my opinion, is what makes them so striking visually.)

i feel like matt and i are kind of in a perfect storm at the moment. we have a lot going on in our collective life, and much of it isn't even due to little m's deafness. of course, the fact that we are making such huge decisions about her surgery, her therapy, and her future right now is a part of it all, but that is only one element of what we are dealing with. in the midst of it all, i honestly feel a bit of hope (even though i have no tangible evidence to base this hope on). 

i kind of feel like a succulent. and i guess i want to feel like that through all sorts of conditions- that i can adapt and survive life's darkest moments with grace, peace, faith, and hope. for a succulent, if the water isn't in the soil or atmosphere, the water is stored internally. i'm not saying it's just digging down into myself that will sustain me; i don't think i personally have the resources to get through things on my own. the water that allows the plant to thrive but it is not an innate part of the plant, but it gives it life and existence. so that's where i'm at today. my circumstances may not be hydrating me, but i have faith that the water is in there, deep down inside.

 

60 years

a family is complex and ever evolving, perhaps even more so when you have multiple siblings. it often means more drama, but in our case, in addition to more drama (we have plenty of that), it has also meant more love, more adventures, more fun.

today is my dad's 60th birthday. on my own birthday i always think about it as a time to evaluate my life, and to think about the year that has passed as well as the year that stretches, unknown, ahead of me. i often set some time aside to write down a list (the list is long as the years i am old- which gets harder and harder as i age) of goals and hopes for the year. as in any family, there are parts of my relationship with my dad, (and on his part, his relationship with me!) that i wish were different. we have definitely had to work through some hard things together, and will likely continue to in the future. in many ways, i am a lot like my dad, with parts of my mom thrown in, so often i see myself in him. and the parts of our relationship that are frustrating are often connected to those similar traits.

there are some characteristics he has which i hope increase in me by the time i am sixty. my dad is an unfailing optimist; he is incredibly loyal (and is finally getting some rewards for his loyalty to philadelphia sports teams); he is the most gracious person i think i know; he does not hold grudges; he is quick to complement; he is a dreamer; he has big hopes; he believes in people when maybe no one else believes in them; he has great enthusiasm; he is patient; he is a great storyteller. 

happy birthday dad.