to being brave

 

a letter to my daughter as she turns six years old,

in some ways you are a paradox: 

since the day you were born you have been a snuggler, rooting against me in infancy not just to nurse, but to be close to me, pushing your small head against my chin, pushing to feel the resistance of another body against your own. and at 6, you are still the same. in the wee hours of the morning when it is still dark outside you will crawl into bed between daddy and me, migrating towards whatever body you can to make contact. if i am sitting at my desk or at the table, you will climb up onto my lap, wedging yourself between me and whatever i am working on. in the kitchen as i chop and mix, you drag your chair in from the diningroom and push it right in front of the cutting board to help, whether i want you to or not.

even so, you are my child who needs space. you sneak up to your room and play alone for hours. i can hear the sound of your small voice as you talk to your calico critters, your my little ponies, your dolls, your legos. you need to be alone to reset. unlike your sister, who wants to interact in all ways and all times with any human in her space, you choose your proximity to others. you know well what you need, and when it is time to escape to the backyard to swing or climb, to cuddle on the couch with books, and to sit on my studio floor drawing.

i've always felt protective of you, my sweet girl. your sister is so confident in interacting with adults, and almost to a fault desires to please those around her; of course she is rewarded with praise and affection, while you are less willing to freely hand out hugs and smiles and the words-you-are-supposed-to-say to the grownups in your life who have expectations of you. it's easy for her to get the kudos and attention from others, and for you to get overlooked. yes, i want you to be polite and kind and social, but i'm also proud of your ability to stand strong and independent. you choose carefully when and how you will show attachment, and then when you do it is real and true and an authentic expression of how you are feeling. 

as you get older, i want you to remember that i love you for all of these parts of you. 

i love that you forge your own path. you stand with your friends, and stick up for others even at a cost to you. you play with the boys and the girls, and when someone criticizes that, you smile and play on. you care so deeply about your sister, and you've learned all you can about her deafness and her cochlear implants: how to charge the batteries, how to turn on her implants for school, how to get her attention if she can't hear you, how to speak up for her, how she can read your lips most easily. i know she is good at speaking up for herself, but i think someday you will be her second best advocate in the world, and you may fight some of her battles for her that as her mom i'll never know about.

you are my little girl with big feelings. you have about 48 stuffed animals on your bed and you love each one as if they were living and breathing; if one is missing the tears come fast and furious. you do crazy flips and brave maneuvers on the monkey bars, but every single movie in the world is too scary for you to watch without covering your ears and closing your eyes. you are so deeply moved by the world around you, and sometimes you don't know where to put those feelings, or what to say about them, but hold on to them. you'll need them.

these will serve you well as you navigate this big world:

you are brave. 

you try hard and new things.

you are strong.

you are independent. resistant to others' opinions.

you don't care about what other people think about you.

you are loyal & kind. 

you love to play.

and these will be hard and might make you hurt sometimes, but make you softer and more whole:

you wear your heart on your sleeve & your feelings on your face.

you love with all you have.

you are sensitive. empathetic. 

you have a tender heart.

you love every animal you meet.

you want to be held close and loved well.

you are expressive and creative and always want to do your very best.

you are amazing my sweet ruby. 

listen to your brave heart, and ignore those who want you to do what everyone else is doing. 

it's overrated. and way less rewarding.

i love all the paradoxes that are you.

i love you,

mommy

the quiet before the storm

(wednesday, february 1)

my girls have inherited a lot from me,

including their crankiness post-nap.

on wednesday,

i snapped these two pictures moments after each of my girls woke up.

notice they both went into the exact same position,

a little post-nap snuggle

(i love it)

what i didn't love was the complete double meltdown that happened for 45 minutes 

after these sweet photos were taken.

for reals.

do you ever have temper tantrums in your house that are so dramatic and extensive that it becomes kind of comical? 

i took a minute of meltdown footage with my phone & couldn't help laughing. 

my children were so hysterical over nothing and over everything all at once.

wanna see?

45 minutes of this!

i want to remember

thursday

january 26. 2012"the days are long but the years are short"

snuggle up

sunday

january 22

sunday was a full day

ruby fell asleep on my friend andrea after church 

and yet

miraculously

still took a very substantial nap

i snapped this as she fell asleep against me in the evening.

she just wanted to be held & snuggled 

so i let her fall asleep in my arms instead of putting her in her crib to fall asleep

(i should've seen the signs at this point)

once she was sound asleep 

i finally put her down in her crib

a couple of hours later she woke up

screaming

and with a temp

of 103.1

it was a long night

with a sick girl

calling "mama, mama" every so often from her crib

sweet girl

somehow there is nothing better than having your mom take care of you when you are sick,

and now i'm somebody's mom

rainy friday

january 20, 2012

(ruby waiting to go outside)

9 months

yesterday this little babycakes turned 9 months old. 

dear sweet ruby, 

these are my favorite things about you...

your infectious laugh

& incredibly mellow disposition

that said, also smitten with your feisty and stubborn spirit 

(which will serve you well against your big sister)

the way you flip and roll around on the floor like a little fish

the way you wriggle your little body and head around when you are happy

your love of snuggling at any hour of the day or night

the sound of you plotting silliness with your sister

i maybe don't love the fact that your love of snuggling means you still wake up in the very wee hours of 3 or 4 a.m. to eat, 

or that your feistiness means that you can scream full throttle 

for hours on end in the middle of the night, 

or that your sister love means that the two of you don't nap but instead have a giggle fest.

can't believe you you have been with us for almost a year.

{love you completely}

reading time

m's latest favorite activity: to read to her baby sister. 

 she is very serious & focused, and makes up a story or summarizes the real thing from memory

 then she points to the page and asks, "can you find the window?" or "what do you see?"

savoring these sweet sister moments,

because soon ruby will be able to grab the book or be a little less compliant with her big sister's agenda.