dear monday

dear person who stole my husband's car sometime between yesterday afternoon and this morning, 

seriously?!
a. it's an old car! as in 1992 old. as in the year i graduated high school old.
b. you stole it from a church parking lot!? what? really?
c. you owe me a car, plus our good car seat, which was inexplicably in matt's car instead of mine. oh, and some really great cd's. (the more i write this, the more i go from being amused to being mad.)

dear jillian michaels,

all i know is that your dvd is. killing. me. we've worked our way up over the month to the highest level, but i have to say: level three? in theory at least, it seems like the more i do it, the easier it should get, but level three feels like level 800 and my legs are jello tonight. on a positive note, thanks for kicking my butt in a good way.

dear ants,
i am so freaking over you making our kitchen, bedrooms, diningroom, entryway & really- any location that you fancy- your playground. could you at least pick another house to frolic in?

dear children,
i love you. but this whole neverending bedtime routine where you come out for every excuse under the sun? it has to end. really. i'm a better mommy when i get some time with jillian (see above) every night, and you are better children when you actually go to sleep on time. no you don't need more water, to go pee again, to say good night one more time, to get more books, to brush your teeth again, to wash your hands because you forgot earlier, another hug or the light on. go. to. sleep.

dear children (part two),
also, i really do love you from here to the deep blue sky, but every time i do aforementioned jillian dvd & rock those jumping jacks (among other pounding high impact moves) i am reminded of your birth, and how you both left an indelible mark on my body. thanks for making me feel like an 85 year old. let's just say little m isn't the only one who has accidents around here. (and i'll beat you all to the punch- yes, i've done kegels)

dear leaky sippy cup,
i do not like you and the way you ruined my phone after like 30 seconds of contact. i won't complain about having an iphone, but i kind of miss my old phone. really, i hated sippy cups already- remembering to bring them places & making sure they don't leak all over creation? one of those mom tasks i'm not really that great at.

dear us weekly,
it's bad enough that i read celebrity trash. but let me refresh your memory- the contestants on the bachelor, jersey shore & those teenage mom shows are not celebrities. so please, stop pretending they are by slapping them on the cover.

speaking of celebrities?
dear heidi klum,
you are officially invited to my celebrity sleepover. i think i might be dropping drew barrymore from the lineup and i think you'd fit right in.

love,
me