my very own after school program

i need to sign my children up for some classes.

not swim or gymnastics or ceramics, but some closer to home topics. 

This semester our syllabus should include:

• how to use less than an entire roll of toilet paper at a time. for. reals. i swear ruby uses half a roll every time she pees. maybe more.
• sitting at the table to eat isn't the same as climbing on a play structure. sit on your bottom. not on your knees. on the chair. not near the chair or around it, or hanging off of it with your dirty little toes gripping the edge of the table so you don't fall off of your precarious position. 
• creativity in problem solving and sibling conflict. phrases that i've banned but somehow still hear enough for it to drive me crazy: "you're not my best friend" "you're not my sister anymore!" "you can't come to my birthday party" "mom! she just (fill in the blank action word that probably happened but child yelling is conveniently leaving out her own prompting or retaliatory action) to me!"
• no. really. when mommy and daddy or your sister are fully asleep? you don't have to wake us up. you can go to the bathroom by yourself. be awake without announcing it to the world. snuggle quietly in your bed or play in your room without waking up the whole house. i promise even if you are playing "quietly" we will get up soon. that means when you walk up to that person and they are in bed, their eyes are closed, they are not talking to you or moving, and that when  you poke them repeatedly they roll over or try to ignore you? they are still asleep. or trying to be.
• it's ok to put your shoes, jacket, sweatshirt, backpack, etc. on the very first time you're asked to.
• chapstick is not a food group. neither is candy. so no, you can't have it for breakfast.

anyone want to guest lecture?

or want to add a class of their own?

(meanwhile, on the subject of school, read this great post on momastery.)