Thursday, January 30, 2014

my very own after school program

i need to sign my children up for some classes.
not swim or gymnastics or ceramics, but some closer to home topics. 
This semester our syllabus should include:
  • how to use less than an entire roll of toilet paper at a time. for. reals. i swear ruby uses half a roll every time she pees. maybe more.
  • sitting at the table to eat isn't the same as climbing on a play structure. sit on your bottom. not on your knees. on the chair. not near the chair or around it, or hanging off of it with your dirty little toes gripping the edge of the table so you don't fall off of your precarious position. 
  • creativity in problem solving and sibling conflict. phrases that i've banned but somehow still hear enough for it to drive me crazy: "you're not my best friend" "you're not my sister anymore!" "you can't come to my birthday party" "mom! she just (fill in the blank action word that probably happened but child yelling is conveniently leaving out her own prompting or retaliatory action) to me!"
  • no. really. when mommy and daddy or your sister are fully asleep? you don't have to wake us up. you can go to the bathroom by yourself. be awake without announcing it to the world. snuggle quietly in your bed or play in your room without waking up the whole house. i promise even if you are playing "quietly" we will get up soon. that means when you walk up to that person and they are in bed, their eyes are closed, they are not talking to you or moving, and that when  you poke them repeatedly they roll over or try to ignore you? they are still asleep. or trying to be.
  • it's ok to put your shoes, jacket, sweatshirt, backpack, etc. on the very first time you're asked to.
  • chapstick is not a food group. neither is candy. so no, you can't have it for breakfast.
anyone want to guest lecture?
or want to add a class of their own?

(meanwhile, on the subject of school, read this great post on momastery.)


  1. can i enroll my kids? please include: -when to tap and bang on the table and when not to. -farting at the kitchen table when guests are over -when in an emergency you might "talk over" someone otherwise zip it!

    best momastery...i cried and then forwarded to dels teacher

    1. ahhhh the "talking over"- hate it. do you see my mouth moving and sound coming out as I talk to someone?? then wait to interrupt!

  2. Bwah! This post made me smile b/c it rings SO true for us as well. A few more courses I might add:
    - Lessons in laundry: just because you wear something for 5 minutes does not make it dirty. Conversely, if you've worn something more than 2 days, it definitely *is* dirty, despite what your sister might say.
    - If the Shoe Fits... This would be a whirlwind course in getting shoes on your feet within a 5 minute time frame. Bonus points if they are on the correct feet. Double bonus points if they are also seasonally appropriate shoes (i.e. no sandals in snow!)

    1. for the love melanie- this made me laugh out loud. your comment officially was funnier and more truw than my post. this is my life. both classes so spot on.

  3. My girls need to join up, too! Every single topic! Argh! Love 'me to pieces, but they can certainly drive me bonkers at times!

  4. i would like to guest speak. My topics would include:
    1. the definition of inside voices
    2. learn what is a real treasure and what is just trash
    3. my iphone is not your personal toy
    4. the true meaning of responsibility - aka. i am not the 'bad guy' when you suffer the consequences of your actions.
    5. how to make your life better than you ever dreamed possible - hint: listen and obey
    6. musicology 101 - life beyond raffi

    1. hahahahahahahhaaha

      also, #5. SERIOUSLY.

  5. Oh, how I love this post. It's like you're describing my household. We will enroll via Skype.

  6. check check and check, this all happening at our place to my great great frustration. chapstick as a food group? double check. Sadie had chapstick for her afternoon snack. hoping this is a stage...

  7. Gah!!!! My kids are on a plane, en route to you/ Oakland.. ASAP.

  8. you guys are hilarious.

    let's start a school, people.


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