happy weekend!

well, it was time to leave our cabin by the lake

(just look at that amazing deck)

pack up, and head south to finish up vacation in sunny san diego!

have a great weekend!

ouch

(monday - little m, post clean up and medical attention)

apparently, vacation isn't vacation without a trip to urgent care. 

little m decided it would be fun to land on a stone fireplace. i should clarify- little m's front teeth and lower lip decided it would be fun to land on a stone fireplace. in a split second, after hearing the sound of her teeth hitting stone, it felt like GALLONS of blood came gushing out of her mouth. seriously. matt and i were both freaking out because the gash went all the way through her lip- from the inside to the outside. and, her teeth looked like they had been pushed into her gums. it was all very lovely- mopping up all the blood as she screamed her head off, matt running up the hill to get our car, racing to find the hospital. in the end, we have to clean her up a lot and give her some ointment, and hope that her teeth are ok. meanwhile, my daughter looks like the daughter of angelina jolie - just wipe off the snot and clean her up a bit and her lips look quite voluptuous!

lazy days of summer

we are still enjoying the beauty and peace of lake tahoe! 

alas, tomorrow morning we head home. 

(although i can't complain- we still have one more precious week of vacation left, which we will spend on the other end of the state in san diego)

a few glimpses of our moments here...

in matt's opinion, south lake tahoe trips are not complete without a trip (or two) to red hut

little m was quite happy here. a high school football team was eating behind us, and she was completely enamored by them...something about their t-shirts strategically cut into tank tops showing off their entire midsection must have done it for her? (yikes. really? how are homemade sleeveless tank top situations a good look? very 1986 midwest small town if you ask me....)

(yummy breakfast about to show up on our table)

little m even got her own plate of deliciousness

lake tahoe also = lots of cooking, which also means improvising with a stripped down kitchen

roro and daddy time

meals out on the deck overlooking the lake

reading

matt only brings about 46 books every time we leave the house- and this time was no exception

time to hang out in the sun

(if matt looks pained it's only because he is trying to read in peace while m naps and i keep interrupting him... {shocking})

old mossy stone stairs leading up from our cabin

warm deck

diet coke, writing, catching up, reading to little m

cozy cabin

splashing in the cold water of lake tahoe

i am not a super huge fan of bodies of water, 

but luckily it seems little m has inherited the swimming-is-fun and the fearless genes

snacks in the sunshine

our little sumo wrestler playing with crayons 

it's amazing how being in a specific place brings back memories. this is the same spot where one of my best friend's had her rehearsal dinner, the exact cove where matt and i came for part of our honeymoon, and where we came and stayed in a cabin with dear friends a few summers ago. to be enjoying a week away from the busyness of life, and also to remember a history of enjoying this place is renewing. there are still things on our minds from life at home; all has not stopped just because we are away for a few days, but being in a space outside of oakland has been a gift. remembering special moments in the past has also been a gift. i'm thankful for so much.

here we are,

busy as can be,

on 

vacation

(someone likes the water)

wish you were here

um, we are on vacation!

in lake tahoe.

right smack dab on the lake.

and it is amazing.

last week we were on a daycation...kind of like a staycation, 

but we took day trips in which we ate a lot of yummy food. 

but it also entailed a lot of driving.

this week we are at a cabin on the lake, doing not much at all 

but napping, lounging, reading, eating, enjoying the beach, and talking. 

it is so peaceful.

(absolute bliss i tell you)

pictures to follow...

dear vacation,

will you marry me?

xo, sooz

(16 months)

little m is 16 months old today!

she is quite the monkey these days...

full of personality, sounds and new talents.

she is obsessed with climbing up and down stairs, 

babbling, 

walking (and trying to run),

saying "uh-oh" with a shrug when she drops something or doesn't know what to do, 

playing peekaboo and tag,

taking the book from you to "read" all by herself,

pulling out all of the tupperware,

banging on her drum and dancing to music,

playing with bigger kids,

eating anything and everything,

pointing up at the airplanes she hears,

and squirming out of your arms to go do her own thing.

she is hearing more and more every day, and making new sounds all the time.

it still is a miracle to me 

every time she turns to my voice, responds to the sound of her name, makes new noises that i have never heard come out of her mouth, tries to mimic a sound or when she dances to music.

i don't think it will ever get old.

she is 16 months of wonderful.

summer means....

(fresh corn)

(homegrown strawberries)

(painted toes & barefeet & flipflops)

(backyard time watching the neighbors' whirlygigs)

(longtime friends visiting from far away)

(a garden that is bursting with veggies)

(lots of water breaks)

(visits to the audiologist & the sound booth...and better and better results!)

(yummy time at the ferry building in san francisco)

(burgers that remind you why burgers are so good)

(unrestrained laughter)

(art)

(and more visits to the rooftop garden/cafe at sfmoma)

(roasting marshmallows...and s'mores!)

(celebrations al fresco!)

and...

vacation!

(you may have noticed there has been a little less of me!

we have been having internet issues for the past few weeks and now we are on vacation!)

i'll be posting, but a little less frequently (maybe only a couple of times a week...)

happy summer!

won't you be my neighbor?

if you've read my blog for long, or you know me,

you know that i love me some oakland.

some people may treat it as the much maligned, full of issues stepchild of san francisco,

but i beg to differ.

(don't get me wrong, i know oakland has plenty of problems, 

but it is a much richer place than most give it credit for.)

san francisco isn't "the city."

oakland is.

i also love our street.

we are a mish-mash 

of ages, cultures, backgrounds, socio-economic levels, languages, life experiences.

but how to you get to know these things about each other unless you meet 

and talk about more than the weather?

unless we pause for longer than the brief hello over putting out the garbage to learn about who we are living next to and across from?

last night was national night out, so we joined our neighbors in enjoying the august evening,

talking

making new friends

hanging with old friends

(this is our next door neighbor tiffany

who gave little m her nickname roro when she was an itty bitty baby)

eating ice cream for dinner

catching up on the neighborhood gab

we stayed out far past little m's bedtime...

but it was worth it!

i heart you oakland, and you too, agua vista street!

alas

(little m and her uncle johnny)

um.

my baby has a mullet.

a grief that lingers

most of the time i am so busy with life that i don't dwell too much on the fact that my dad abandoned our family in october. well, if i'm honest with myself, i suppose his betrayal began a long time before that, but we just didn't realize it until october 16th. that is the last time i saw my dad, and sometimes i watch that final moment in my mind  over and over like it is on instant replay.

usually there is too much to do every day, so i find myself making it through the days pretty well. in no particular order, these factors have helped: weekly counseling sessions, good friends, a god who can take my anger and grief, a tender husband, a joyful daughter and a mom and siblings who are wading through just as much muck themselves. we kind of carry each other, and are carried, through this tenuous season. 

this blog is a public forum so i have refrained from blasting my dad on here, as much as i may have been tempted over the months. i don't really need to broadcast in this space what he has done, even vaguely; public humiliation is not really going to fix anything, and i doubt it would even feel very good for more than 5 seconds. suffice it to say, i have been wounded very deeply, and i have lost a father. 

i remember almost ten years ago, when a father i knew left his wife and two beautiful daughters, who were (and remain) good friends of ours. i could never wrap my mind around how he could leave these three amazing people for what seemed like such empty reasons. i wanted to run into this man on the street so that i could punch him and scream at him and shout, "what is your problem? how could you desert them like that? how could you abandon your own daughters? they are precious and you are just walking away?" i never ran into him; i never got to yell at him. i haven't seen him since he left his family so many years ago. i know it wouldn't have done any good; his decision had been made already, and his family figured out how to move forward without him. but i still don't understand how he could love something else more than his own children.

today i am in the quiet of my studio. it has been hard to paint because my mind has been racing all afternoon. when the music stops i am alone with my thoughts, and for some reason today all i can think of is the fact that my dad has chosen another over me. jonathan. rebecca. aaron. my mom.

that makes me very sad. my soul is weary within me.

pretty

(working in my studio today. 

listening to music while i work. 

spotted this snippet on the rockstar diaries .

been listening to it on repeat for, oh, about an hour. 

today my soul is quite weary and it has hit the spot. 

enjoy.)

berry delightful

you may or may not remember, but little m never met a berry she didn't like.

our friends nancy and keith had a blackberry picking party yesterday!

little m played it sweet with her daddy and stole half of his stash. 

she preferred to get them the easy way - 

by stealing them straight from his bowl instead of plucking them off of the bush. 

(smart girl!)

we took the rest home & made blackberry sorbet for dessert.

delicious!

joy

delirious laughter + drool + mommy and little m time + insane tickling = pure joy