{good but hard}

my husband is my most favorite person.

today is his birthday.

last year on this very day, on his day of birth, 

on a day we should celebrate,

we found out our baby was deaf.

in that moment, 

it felt like someone killed something inside of us.

or stole something from us.

we didn't know that it would be ok - that our daughter would be ok - that we would be ok.

i remember sitting in the livingroom, 

on matt's birthday night.

matt sat holding our two week old little m, 

bouncing her on our exercise ball 

(because that is the only way she would calm down), 

crying. 

really crying.

i remember saying through my tears, 

"i cant do this. i really can't do this. 

i don't even know how to be a mom of a baby that doesn't have anything wrong!"

we had no idea what life was about to look like.

it was a pretty sucky birthday.

here we are a year later...

i love this man on sucky days and on perfect ones.

i love that in those first days, when i would say those words in the secret of our home, 

"i can't do this! i can't be m's mom! i'm not strong enough"

that he would listen, hug me + send me back to spend time with our baby

because he knew that being with her would bring me out of my dark place.

i love that he is the same person behind closed doors that he is in public.

i love that he embraces me as an artist, even when i am full of fear, excuses or insecurity.

i love that he listens to my stories, 

even though i ramble needlessly and lose my train of thought.

i love that he believes in community.

i love that he has the biggest stack of books on his "to read" pile ever 

and still gets new books every chance he gets.

i love that he is always trying to live out his faith, 

even if he winds up with more questions along the way.

i love that he bakes the best chocolate chip cookies i have ever had.

i love that we will never be the couple that finishes each others sentences, 

but that he still usually knows what i am thinking when i don't say a single word.

i love that he is such a natural and nurturing dad.

i love that he puts up with me, even though i am a handful.

happy birthday to you, matthew thomas.

here's to a better birthday this time around.

i couldn't be me

without

you.