(u2)

this is a long post. i figure you can handle it because i have been so sporadically posting that this one can count as like 5 posts. 

you may recall that about two weeks ago i went on a super impulsive, slightly crazy roadtrip to phoenix, arizona with my two brothers. lucky for me, my husband is awesome and fully endorsed and backed me up on my insane plans. i figure it's good for my daughter to learn that her mom still rallies.

mission: see U2 in concert. 

and by see them in concert, i mean, be this close:

(all pics by my brother aaron. he snapped, while i sang my little heart out)

mission accomplished.

and by that, i mean for reals, 

not in a fake 

wearing-a-flight-suit-on-an-aircraft-carrier-&-declaring-the-end-of-the-conflict-in-iraq 

sort of way.

here's how it went down.

brother aaron picked me up around 6 pm, 

and we headed to brother jonathan's house to get on the road.

a few hours in we still look awake and excited.

i don't know how many years it has been since i went to carl's jr., 

but we stopped off and i indulged in a western bacon burger. 

i don't know, it did the trick, but it didn't taste quite as good as it used to in high school.

ready to get back on the road. 

3 hours down, and about 9 to go. 

i pseudo crashed in the back seat and my brothers drove the whole way. 

awesome. 

i declined to post the extremely flattering photos that aaron took of me while i slept.

don't worry- you aren't missing anything.

we got to the city of surprise, arizona at around 5 am. 

we drove straight to my friend brandon's house.

 

(by the way, this post is dedicated to brandon, because he is the one who made my voyage to the concert possible. he's the one who, after i found a single general admission ticket on craigslist in arizona, picked up and paid for my ticket. in case you are wondering, i know practically no one in the state of arizona, but brandon just happens to live in the same exact city as where my friendly craigslist ticket seller also lives. how awesome is that!

anyway, not only did he schlep over to get my ticket for me, but he woke up bright and early to pass the ticket off to me so that we could head straight to the stadium to get in line for the show.)

here's the thing. 

i need to explain this first. 

U2 general admission ticket holders have this whole routine. 

my friend nancy calls it the fake U2 government.

(just don't tell anyone in the line that it is fake, because this system becomes the rule of law.)

U2 always has general admission tickets, as in no assigned seats. 

they are usually the cheapest tickets, and if you get there early enough to wait in line, 

and race up to the stage, you can get very close to the band.

even though the show is in a massive arena or stadium, 

it feels like you are as close as you would be in a club, 

with the benefit of tens of thousands singing along with you.

this is how fake U2 government goes:

• 48-24 hours ahead of the show, people start showing up to start the "official" general admission line. usually the line is across the street from the venue, because the venue won't let you camp out.
  
• whoever shows up first has a pad of paper and a sharpie marker.
• that person gets to start the line by writing their name on the paper and writing 1 on their hand with the sharpie.
• every person who shows up after that writes their name on the list, with a corresponding number that they are in line.
• throughout the day, the line "leader" has people line up in numerical order and comes down the line to check people's names & make sure they are in the right spot.
• the line leader also comes by to tell everyone to police themselves. as in, if someone cuts, it's your job to deal with it.
• throughout the day you can leave to get food, or go to the bathroom, or go on a walk, or just take a break. at a certain time mid-afternoon (about an hour from when you can get let into the stadium,) everyone in line takes their chairs, food, books, sleeping bags, etc. back to their cars. then you can just get back in line in order again without worrying that you'll lose your spot.

crazy, right? crazy, but it works.

we got to the stadium at 5:45 am and the little pack of waiters was across the street from the stadium. we didn't even park, we u-turned and hopped out to get our numbers and names on the list. we were #100, 101 and 102. 

people are more insane than i am, because the first people had gotten there 36 hours before. um, what!?!

at 7 am, the stadium opened up the gates, 

so we dutifully lined up in order in the designated spot.

it is seriously comical, and i would laugh harder if i wasn't camped out in line myself. 

people have little boomboxes blasting U2, they spend the day reading U2 photo-books, reliving other concerts, talking about other tours, comparing old tour t-shirts, reconnecting with people they met at other shows, discussing strategy for where they want to stand during the concert. 

looking a bit beat down at 7 am, after driving 11 hours.

johnny crashed on the concrete for a while. and later....so did i. 

i think i napped about 3 hours on that sidewalk.

sneak peek in at the stage.

mid-day after our naps and snacks.

by the way, one of the funny things is that people in this line will leave 

and get all gussied up as the time to get let in nears. 

i think maybe they think if they look hot that they'll get pulled onstage to dance with bono.

i just kept my no-makeup, stringy hair, rumpled road trip look going.

the frenzy begins when the security guards tell everyone to line up because they are going to let us in.

(since this is becoming a novella, 

i won't even get into the drama that ensues when lame-ohs try to cut the line despite no name on the list or number on their hand...suffice it to say, the self-policing begins!)

it gets a little crazy as we get our wristbands and people begin to push down the long ramp to be able to run for the stage. it is a frenetic 20 minutes of being herded down to the stadium floor. lucky for me, my brother jonathan links arms with me and i am not trampled by the masses.

we wait.

after the slow, claustrophobic descent, the guards finally release us. 

two thousand people start sprinting all the way across the stadium to the front. 

oh my quads! i haven't run like that since presidents fitness testing in 8th grade p.e.

and....

victory! 

we are front row, center stage. 

we stake our claim and settle in for the two hours before the opening act comes out. 

the strategy is to get as much space as you can at the beginning, 

because as more people arrive, 

they push you forward and you have less and less room.

waiting, with my aung san suu kyi mask

after 2 plus hours of waiting..

black eyed peas came out!

they were a great show.

fergie is my new favorite. 

that girl can belt it and shake it!

i had a personal dance party-they put on such a good show, 

and it was perfect after a day of waiting.

the stadium kept filling up...

another hour of waiting...

we made a new friend, ernesto. 

his favorite band is U2 and he came with his family from mexico to the show. 

we let him move in front of me to the very front, and he was our buddy through the show. 

he plays drums, so we'd lift him up so he could see larry on the drums.

when his glasses broke underfoot half-way through the show, aaron went all macgyver and found some gaffer's tape stuck to the floor to fix ernesto's glasses so he could watch the show.

suddenly, they were all there:

adam

bono

the edge

larry mullen jr.

it was an amazing show. 

a U2 show is, for me, a spiritual experience.

and i think that after the year we've had, it was just what i needed.

obviously their songs resonate with a lot of people, 

as there were over 70,000 people in attendance singing along.

yet somehow it is still intensely personal.

i know that they are incredible showmen.

but there is something more meaningful embedded in the music than just a good show.

there is something healing to me about singing those songs-

 songs that speak to love, faith, justice, and hope. 

anthems that speak for the forgotten and love songs that have been my life's soundtrack.

these are songs and lyrics that shaped at a young age my understanding of human rights, 

and gave me a glimpse into a world larger than my own experience, that i played when my young heart was (oft) broken. 

they also contributed to my belief that art 

can be integrated with a an emphasis on social justice 

and still retain integrity and beauty.

plus, who doesn't like to sing along to a U2 song?

as you can see, we sing along.

hi friends!

would you like me to come onstage and sing with you?

i know all the words.

my two favorite moments:

• bono singing "amazing grace" acapella
• the moment when the edge couldn't remember how to start a song. he tried like 4 times before he got the first measure right, as bono and adam laughed at him. i loev being so close and getting to see those little moments in the midst of a massively & precisely engineered production.

they were filming a dvd, so they definitely played up to the cameras by a post-concert all-band lovefest. i think the edge is winking at me in this picture.

three happy siblings, hearts sung out and filled up.

ah, the bittersweet end as the stage instantly gets dismantled. 

lucky for us, we didn't have to drive home. 

we crashed at aforementioned brandon's house & 

got to say hi to his wife and daughter in the morning before driving home. 

i think i fell asleep in about 5 seconds...

just kidding

one more halloween post.

you may wonder why little m and her pal ya'el are paralyzed in wonderment.

it my have something to do with these visitors we had the other day.

my brother aaron and his girlfriend sarah dressed up again in their amazing homemade where the wild things are halloween costumes to visit little m and ya'el.

see? not so scary after all...

little m recognizes her pal sarah under the massive get-up.

did i mention it was homemade? 

and for only $20? 

crazy creative.

max and the monster have to go, 

but little m tries to get them to hang out by holding onto max's tail.

come back again friends!

(p.s. i know some pretty awesome people, right?!?)

indulge me if you will...

so.

yesterday i tossed our cute little pumpkin, which had turned from a cute jack o' lantern into a nasty moldy mess folding in on itself. yuck. 

meanwhile, during little m's class at school, the kids said goodbye to the black cat, the pumpkins, the little ghost toys, and all of the halloween-themed stuff and put it into a big box to save until next year.

i get it, halloween is over. 

but here i am, still wanting to post the jack o' lantern i made for our front stoop. 

{sidebar: maybe some of you recall that in halloweens past, 

i have gotten a little crazy perfectionist about my pumpkin carving. 

i don't mean to, but it just sort of happens...

i have a vision, and then i have to figure out how to create that vision. 

i promise (and i have witnesses to vouch for me,) 

that i made this pumpkin quickly 

and without personal angst or cruelty to the people around me.}

 see?

my pumpkin has a cochlear implant,

just like little m.

i kept it simple, so i only put an implant on one side.

i kind of love it.

rest in peace cochlear implanted jack o' lantern.

(goodbye halloween)

my lil pumpkin

we carved a pumpkin last weekend, 

and little m decided to sample some raw pumpkin innards. 

she didn't like the taste so much.

she did however have a rollicking good time at the pumpkin patch!

yay for pumpkins- in little person form and gourd form.

she's pretty cute, if i do say so myself.

friends + art + blogging

i've been a very lazy blogger.

i was chastised tonight, and well, it's true. 

i thought i'd blog a lot this week because matt's mom is here this week.

grandma pam time means more studio and susannah time for me 

while little m frolics with her grandma.

alas, this week ended up being a bit crazy.

so not as much painting as i wanted.

not as much blogging.

(an old painting, that i just stumbled upon in my studio storage. 

it's big- like, oh, about the size of a bed.)

but one of the treats this week is that a friend that i have made 

(via the world of blogging & thanks to molly in utah) 

came to visit me in my studio!

it was such a treat, and as usual, we had a great time connecting.

among the many things i enjoy talking about with nicole is that 

she is a few years ahead of me in the journey of parenting a deaf child: 

her 6 year daughter is also deaf and has a cochlear implant.

since nicole is also a blogger, she ever so kindly documented her visit to my space!

we talked, looked at art- the greeting card kind and the on canvas kind, drank coffee, and enjoyed uninterrupted conversation minus our kids.

if you want a peek into her visit, go here...

(and you should read her blog anyway, because it is just great)

u2

i am working away this morning, so a longer blog post will have to wait until later in the day...but here is a tease- a picture of my brothers and i, in the FRONT ROW at the u2 concert last week in arizona. this is around midnight, as the stadium was clearing out, but you can tell we are all aglow, with post-concert smiles. 

happy friday!

it's friday!

YaY!

have a great day!

ours is looking good so far: 

a morning mommy-daughter dance party, sun shining outside, grandparents pam & tom headed into town today, about to go on a long walk to get some coffee, a visit to the pumpkin patch with grandma cornelia this afternoon, and matt's day off after he works a few hours this morning. 

(hope your day is filled with goodness)

goodness

right now the light is beginning to fade outside;
we three are sitting in our livingroom as it slowly gets darker.

my daughter is showing off her latest dance moves for matt
(they are quite impressively diverse & include props)
as we listen to damien jurado singing "grow old with me"...
it's a
quiet & ordinary
sort of moment,
interspersed with our laughter at these funny sounds and motions that little m is inventing.

sometimes quiet and ordinary is the very best of all.

(crazy)

i've loved u2 since i was 11 years old.

back in the day...

the first tapes i owned were u2, 

passed along to me by a twentysomething who thought i'd like them, 

and the first tape i bought in a store was u2.

it may seem silly, since a billion people like u2,

but i don't really care.

i know they aren't cool, like the super indie or punk bands my husband likes.

but still,

i love them.

and i love them live in concert.

and i never miss a tour,

until now.

they aren't coming to northern california, 

so as of last night at 9 pm, 

i hatched a crazy plan...

i found a single ticket on craigslist in arizona.

i enlisted a friend who lives in arizona to pick it up for me today.

my brothers and i are driving to arizona

tonight

11 hours

to get in line 

first thing

to wait

all

day

tomorrow

and then to race in to the stadium

as soon as the gates open

to get all the way up close to the stage

with general admission tickets.

after the concert,

we'll drive home.

i feel a little crazy.

i'm so excited.

bono, larry, edge & adam: 

look for me, i'll be the one singing along to every song

(i know, along with 50,000 other people), 

happy as can be.

i hear that!

(our expert plane spotter.

little m pointing at an airplane flying by. 

when she hears an airplane she says, "up, up up, whee!")

this next week, little m's ears turn 7 months old. her cochlear implants were activated march 18th, and so she has been getting sound into her for the past seven months. seven months of amazing. my daughter is deaf, but she is learning to listen. 

i have written countless posts in my mind lately of all of the progress m has been making as she learns to listen and talk. 

for now, i'll keep it to this: it is a lot of work, learning to listen & teaching to listen. but it is a daily miracle for me to hear her say, "who, who, who" when i ask her what an owl says or "meeow" when we see a cat outside. i ask her if she wants to listen to music and she points to the ipod. when someone is headed out the door and she says, "ba-ba" (bye-bye). when we sing itsy bitsy spider and she says "tsts" for itsy bitsy, and "dow" for "down the water spout". if i ask, "where is the pumpkin?" she points right to the round orange gourd on the table.

i am truly reminded every day that watching her soak up the world of sound is a gift. i am honored to be her mom. i am humbled that in many ways i get to truly celebrate and treasure sounds for the first time as little m hears them; i no longer take the ability to hear for granted.

it is still a miracle to me that my daughter can turn to her name, or cry because of the smoke detector going off, or mimic a sound, or say dad and mom. in some ways, this journey is about me learning to listen as much at it is for my deaf daughter.

one year.

this week has been a weird one. 

it has been a week of emotional ping-pong: joy, detachment, loss, amazement, deja vu, grief.

 

monday, matt & my 7th wedding anniversary.

tuesday, my dad's 61st birthday.

and today, which marks one year since the whole world changed for my family. 

last october 16th is the day that my dad walked away from my mom, his four children, and the majority of the people that comprised his world. he chose not to be honest with us about living a second life. 

i do not pretend to understand the angst and buried pain my dad presumably experienced trying to wrestle with his identity, with living two opposing existences, or with lying so much for so long. i can only imagine the internal war that has been waging inside of him for years, and it grieves me to think that he had to resort to deception & betrayal to find some outlet for his battles. i do think that in the year since we confronted my dad in love, he could have chosen to own his failings and the wounds he inflicted with integrity. he hasn't.

often people ask me if i have seen or spoken to my dad lately. 

it feels weird to say no.

i don't tell people all of the reasons why i have chosen to cut off contact- meaning, i don't tell people how bad it really was when everything went down last year. maybe the fact that i haven't seen, spoke, or interacted with my dad in an entire year seems dramatic. 

most people know my dad to be this laughing & outgoing dad/husband figure who publicly raved about his wife and kids. so, to say that i want no contact with him sounds, well, kind of awful. 

it feels weird to recognize that i am estranged from him. we occupy the same geography more or less, as he lives one mile from me, and yet our lives no longer intersect. 

it feels weird to realize that i no longer really have a dad, or at least a relationship with my dad. 

it feels weird that little m only has three grandparents, even though all four- matt's parents and my parents- are living. 

it feels weird that when i caught a glimpse of my dad last saturday in a public place, that my heart fell into the pit of my stomach and i instantly turned and walked in the other direction. 

it feels weird that someone who i once respected is now toxic to me. 

it feels weird that it has been a year since i last looked into my dad's eyes. he looked back at me with such hatred and anger. i will never forget that look; it is seared into my memory. somehow, the look in my dad's eyes seemed more real and true that anything i'd experienced from my dad in a long time.

i try to live the way jesus lived. jesus taught that we are to love our enemies. jesus hung out with the despised: the liars, cheats, whores and destitute, and he loved them. i admit that i am not there yet. honestly, to love my dad like that doesn't feel safe or even possible. i feel like the times i extended grace and love to my dad he just stomped on it. i want to be able love this man in the way of jesus, but right now my heart starts racing and i walk in the other direction. 

for some reason i always remember this sermon my dad preached a few years ago, when he was still a pastor, long before any of this happened. he said that faith was hope standing on tiptoe, as if you are peeking over a fence at something in the distance. you can see it, but it isn't quite in your grasp. so for now, i have hope & faith. faith that someday my dad will no longer be my enemy. that he will find some peace. and rest. and grace. and authenticity.

hope. faith. love.

♥

i love this picture, even though it is so blurry and out of focus. 

this is me, with my most favorite person in the world.

(little m is my second most favorite person)

i love it because at the moment this photo was taken we were sitting with good friends, 

talking & laughing about who knows what, maybe even disagreeing, but completely at ease with each other.

today, october 12th, is our anniversary. 7 years ago we made vows to each other to love each other in the good and the hard and the in-between. so many friends and family surrounded us and promised to be a part of our community as we entered into marriage. it was a pretty amazing beginning.

this photo reminds me of the moments that i most cherish with my husband, sharing this journey of life together. our story is much longer than the past 7 years that we have been married, but i can't really remember anymore what it is like not to spend my days with him. 

i can be quite a handful, and for all of my quirks, he loves me. at the end of the day i know that my heart is his completely. (also, he is quite a handful himself, and i think most days i make him a much better person, so we are a good match.)

this has been the hardest year of my life, and yet as i think back over the year, i think our marriage has grown in depth & richness & love. 

i can't wait for another year.

i can't wait for another 40 years, until we are white-haired and wrinkly and worn, sitting next to each other, laughing.

(little m and her grandpa tom hanging out on the embarcadero 

last sunday before her aunt robyn and uncle chris' wedding)

this photo makes me so happy.

for various reasons, i didn't have a super close relationship with any of my grandparents. 

but now, my daughter gets to have blood related and adoptive grandparents 

swoop her up and love on her as she grows up.

and that makes me very, very happy.

glee

exhibit a.

exhibit b.

obviously my daughter learns well.

she's already posing for glee's 14th season 

when the deaf girl with cochlear implants wants to join glee club 

& ends up singing all of the best duets with the hot male lead. 

happy friday!

life has been a little messy around here- 

juggling little m's school, 

her apparent nap strike, 

multiple freelance projects for papyrus, 

matt out of town this week, 

my sister-in-law's wedding,

and about 28 loads of laundry (washed but not folded).

alas, 

the blog has taken the hit.

but i have some posts up my sleeves

so more very very soon

(especially as soon as i finish this deadline for papyrus!)

besos, and happy friday!

SOLD!

i, queen of sharing the hard, 

need to share the good when it's time for good news...

here i am with my cute mom

(look how joyful she looks.

despite this year of hard 

she smiles a lot more than she used to)

here is my mom hanging out with little m and my surrogate mom, shelly, 

who i like to call mamabear #2, and who is little m's grandma shelly.

(you can never have too many grandma's i say) 

here is where my mom used to live when she was married to my dad.

up until last october 16th.

you may remember that working on this house 

to get it onto the lousy real estate market was our life for 2 solid months.

you may remember that it seemed like it would be a miracle to get it sold, 

but that it would mean freedom for my mom 

from the huge mortgage &

from continued financial entanglement with my dad.

after a super long escrow, 

(as in 100 days long,

as in i thought it could fall through at any time,

so i've kept my mouth shut until now)

this house finally sold.

it is such wonderful, glorious news

and the money is sitting in my mom's lawyer's office,

waiting for all of the divorce proceeding to be finalized so everything can be divided up.

divorce is not a good thing.

broken families are not a thing to be celebrated.

i wish the last year of our life had held another narrative,

but alas, this is now a part of my family's story.

but for this good news 

i am so, so grateful.

things i do not like

things i do not like, by me

1. earthquakes. no, we didn't have one, but i swear there is going to be the big one any time, and i am so not down with the earth quaking! maybe it doesn't help that i basically live smack dab on top of a freaking faultline.

2. tuesday and thursday mornings, as in, the days little m goes to school. somehow she just knows we need to hurry to get out the door, and she goes into super slow motion. my normally super active eater starts day dreaming, looking at the ceiling, playing with her food... meantime, i am looking anxiously at the clock thinking of how we will be late once again to morning music. 

3. eggs (as in sunny side up or poached or hardboiled...unless they are a vehicle for something else, like an omelette, or cookies, no eggs for me), fish & all creatures of the sea, mayo, bananas, random pressed meat products that you eat cold (like pate, etc). matt says i am high maintenance.

4. bad drivers. i think there has been an epidemic of poor driving lately around here, and i swear i am becoming a much less patient occupier of the road. 

5. dirty dishes. especially silverware. someday we will have a dishwasher, and my heart will leap for joy. for reals. (lucky for me, i should say that matt usually washes the dishes! he's good to me like that...)

things i do like:

1. today i get to work in the studio.

(the end)