Tuesday, April 24, 2012

i hate cancer

i have so many blog posts in my mind, but today i can't stop thinking about my friend.

my friend who is smart, funny, witty & beautiful,
who is my age,
whose husband is an amazing artist,
who has great taste,
who is writing a novel,
who was a lawyer,
whose laugh is real & strong,
who has been fighting cancer.
fighting really hard and doing all of the things she is supposed to, 
and eating the right things and doing all of the treatments.
and then
in december,
even had a part of her liver removed,
in the hopes that the tumors would stop.

but last week i got an emailed from her that the tumors are back, and have spread. 
and they spread quickly.
so she is back on oral chemo and lots of other drugs,
and hoping that this medicine and these drugs and her own body will fight off this awful sickness that is stealing her days.

matt & i drove to dinner at their house on sunday night,
and on the way my heart felt like it was cracking open.
i couldn't stop crying.
since i got her email i have been so so sad.
and if i am grieving like this,
how is she feeling about gearing up to face this again?

because even if her body becomes healthy and whole again
she is spending all of this time, energy, and life on fighting cancer.

i have been thinking of all of these people in my life who have had cancer
and it just makes me angry, sad, weary. 
i live my life following in the way of jesus.
 (even if you don't believe in jesus, 
you probably know the stories where he heals people, right? 
because there are a lot of them.
the longer i live, and the more people in my life that are sick or whose bodies are failing them somehow, i don't know what to do with these stories of miraculous healing.)
because, really? 
i'm looking for healing now and wonder if it will come.
i don't really even know how to pray for my friend right now.
all i want for her is life without tumors and drugs.
and many, many years with her husband, because they just fit together.

so on sunday night 
we sat around the table 
and ate and laughed and told stories and talked about summer plans and the election 
and italy and france and portland
had a wonderful time with these friends.
then we hugged goodbye and drove home,
over the bridge,
back to oakland,
and in the darkness
my face was wet with tears
and matt whispered,
"lord, have mercy."