for my girl

four years ago, around 4 pm, our little m was born. 

oh, for the love, i'm glad i'm not in labor right now.

people, i thought i was going to die.

but then, i didn't (although i'm not kidding it hurt so freaking bad) 

and instead this beautiful baby was born.

(if you feel like strolling down memory lane, i wrote a little bit about her birth here and the part about awarding myself a no-drugs medal here.)

today we celebrated four(!) wonderful years of this little/big girl's life.

we went to the monterey bay aquarium, and all day long she would announce to strangers, 

"today is my birthday. i am the birthday girl today, and this is my sister ruby."

 tonight, as she's snuggled into bed, the rain streams down our windows and the thunder rolls loud and often, i think about this little person, and how being a mom has changed me, bettered me, humbled me. 

some days i just want to package up everything about her-

the silly songs she makes up,

the imaginary stories and characters she creates,

the conversations she has with me,

the way she plays with ruby,

the drawings she makes-

so that when she's all grown up she can experience what a wonderful, inventive little person she was the way i get to every single day.

i think all the time

about how much my own mom loved being a mom;

and i imagine the thousands of moments she shared with me

when i was a child,

and how much we must have laughed together.

it makes me love my mom even more,

and it makes me treasure being mom even more,

because for all of the exhaustion and craziness, motherhood is really magical.

most of the time i don't know what i'm doing,

most of the time i'm making a mess of being a parent,

but i do know this:

i love this girl.

even in her very worst moments

+

even in my ugliest parenting moments,

(ahem, there are plenty of both)

i love every inch of her.

she's so much like me,

and at the same time, so much her very own self, forging her way in the world.

i feel so very blessed every day to learn who she is and who she is becoming,

and i hope i live a very long time to know her as long as possible.

i always think that one of my very best days was april 12th, 2008, when she was born.

but really,

 all the days since have been even better.

{and for your viewing pleasure, and because this is real life,

from today -

a typical attempt at a picture with my girls:

a. monrovia posing but blurry

b. me talking them into posing

c. ruby with a plastic knife in her mouth, ignoring the camera}