do you need to hear this too?

do you ever get impatient?

frustrated?

lose it with (insert human or object or situation here)?

say things you don't mean to in the heat of the moment?

no?

(then please, tell me your secret & you have no need to read any further)

yes?

(then welcome to the club)

matt and i meet every week with some other couples to share practices 

based on the teachings of jesus. 

(maybe i'll do a post about that sometime)

this month (and the next two) we are talking about peacemaking, service & justice, 

and we are starting with the peacemaking that's closest to home: in our personal relationships (spouse, children, family, friends.)

last week my friend kendra gave us each this mantra/prayer to repeat when we in exasperating moments and ready to explode or act out of frustration or anger.

let me tell you,

it's amazing how often one can need to repeat these words.

and when i say "one" i really just mean me.

can you imagine these darlings inciting anything but delight in me?

seems like crazytalk i know,

but it's true.

there's this gap between the mom i want to be and the mom i am.

a gap between the way i want them to act and the way i act myself.

so i am repeating this mantra:

be still in your heart.

speak and act with love.

want to join me?

100!

i can hardly believe that today was the 100th day of kindergarten!

here my not so little m modeling her 100 rainbow sequin shirt.

i can hardly believe how big she is getting.

while m was off at school, i played with ruby at home.

she was really intent on having me play with her- and she got to make all the rules! (shocking.)

in some ways i don't want my littles to grow up

because i just adore them and it goes so fast.

in other ways i just love these unique, funny, wonderful people they are becoming,

and the conversations we are starting to have.

even on a friday night, tired out from the week -

i love being their mom.

be mine, valentine

how sweet is this motherlode of valentiney goodness that i won on an instagram giveaway from cakewalk baking? i gobbled up the cookies (i did share though- i promise!) and am using all of the other loveliness in valentine's treats of my own.

are you gearing up to make valentines? 

or do you buy your valentines from the store? or skip them altogether?

year to year it depends on what we do, but as a lover of paper and markers and glitter and all things color i can't help swoon with the idea of homemade valentines. (besides i know it is only a matter of time before my girls jump off the homemade ship and want me to buy them valentines of disney princesses or justin beiber's latest tween replacement)

some ideas if you want to get crafty!

when m was itty bitty but already in deaf school she would scribble and then i would cut out hearts from her scribbled papers. easy as can be and homemade!

one year i paid for a customized file from olliegraphic that i could just print out myself at home. it was cheaper than buying them at the store, and i could print exactly as many as i needed.

sometimes we've had little work stations around the house:

 gather supplies at the dollar store, target one spot or a craft store 

and let your kiddo get to work!

i chose only red and pink markers and let them have at it with stickers and sequins 

that they picked out at michaels:

 

cozy valentine factory on the couch:

or i've gone the easy and fast route:

taken some pictures of the girls,

added some words with picasa's photo editing 

and ordered a bunch of photo prints from the drugstore.

easy to order more if you need them, personal, and inexpensive!

last year i made these for school and to mail to family & friends~

a couple of years ago i stole an idea from design mom and made 3D photo valentines with the girls. this was so much fun for them. i had to convince them why they were posing...and the only way i could get a good one of ruby was to hold her upside down to force a smile!

after taking the picture i added text in picasa (or you could do it in photoshop or any online photo editor) & ordered prints at walgreens from my computer:

then used an exacto knife to carefully cut a slit at the top and base of m's hand to slide a lollipop into...

slid the lollipop through...

easy! cute! fast!

for teachers i bought a pack of valentine pencils at target and slid those through instead.

(or if you prefer to be sugar free or your school doesn't allow candy valentines)

spread the love!

what are you doing for valentine's day?

(any ideas for my valentine's for this year?)

i kind of want to make these amazing valentine arrows that my friend nicole made last year...but do i have the patience?!

last but not least, do you remember this valentine cutie? 

(this is just days before her cochlear implant surgery!)

my oh my how quickly five years has sped by!

xoxoxoxoxo

in progress

working in my studio today,

with a ton of half finished paintings around me.

one of the downsides to having my studio at our home is that the door to our backyard is in my studio. so any time we have people over (a lot), they are traipsing in and out of this space.

i am always working on a bunch of paintings at once,

and so they are works in progress

and may be a mess

or really ugly

or just the beginning.

it feels vulnerable to have them on display

when they aren't close to being done.

i feel naked every time someone walks through my workspace.

reminds me of life.

i wonder if that's why sometimes we as humans are quick to put on a show of being put together;

deep down we know we are all a bunch of in progress hot messes doing our best with the day we have,

and yet we want to maintain the appearance of having arrived, being organized, knowing what we are doing short term and long term, juggling all of life with ease and grace.

really, we are a bunch of half finished paintings that have a way to go.

but there's also beauty in the mess, right?

there's much to be gleaned in the process.

and

the final product only gets there with a lot of 

undoing, redoing, editing, fixing, giving up then starting over, and finally perfecting.

(at least i sure hope so)

the one about race

do you talk to your kids about race?

i've written here before about identity, and how matt and i have really tried to be aware of and talk openly about identity with m, mostly in light of her deafness. those discussions were initially rooted in me way back when i was in middle school and head over heels for a boy who was not white, (but he was living in a family and (overwhelmingly) neighborhood and school that was white.) his own experiences and angst made me internalize this thought deep down inside of myself: someday when i have kids i need to talk about identity. (you know, because i was 13 and probably thought i'd marry him someday.) i never forgot that, and when m was deaf i thought "we'd better talk about who she is from day 1 so that at least a conversation is happening, even if i say the wrong things." 

i don't recall having many conversations with my family about racial identity, although i remember that when i was young and i asked why my cousins- who are bi-racial- had darker skin and different hair? some adult told me they were half black and half white. i wanted to ask which half was white and which was black. i thought maybe if i lifted up their shirts they would have a dividing line bisecting their belly.

matt and i are both white, and we live in a neighborhood where that puts us in the minority. we are in a neighborhood and schools where lots of different kinds of people are mixed all together. (that doesn't mean one automatically has conversations about race; a parent at one of the girls' schools, who is white but whose spouse is not, told me that their six year old bi-racial son had no idea what ethnicity he was. when someone was described as being asian he asked his mom, "what's an asian?" she said, "he had no idea that he and half of his family are asian.") 

What parents say depends heavily on their own race: a 2007 study in theJournal of Marriage and Family found that out of 17,000 families with kindergartners, nonwhite parents are about three times more likely to discuss race than white parents; 75 percent of the latter never, or almost never, talk about race.  (from newsweek)

i read nurtureshock a few years ago, and in that book the authors challenge many of our commonly held parenting beliefs. one of them? that when we teach our kids to be "colorblind" that it backfires. kids are recognizing the differences in ethnicity at a very early age whether we talk about it or not. since many parents don't talk specifically about race then they begin to make their own logic up about ethnicity by piecing together their own experience with things they overhear. the authors encourage parents to takl about race early and often. so we have. i don't think we always say the "right" things, but we do try to talk about ethnicity often so that it is an open and ongoing conversation. 

Several studies point to the possibility of developmental windows—stages when children's attitudes might be most amenable to change. In one experiment, children were put in cross-race study groups, and then were observed on the playground to see if the interracial classroom time led to interracial play at recess. The researchers found mixed study groups worked wonders with the first-grade children, but it made no difference with third graders. It's possible that by third grade, when parents usually recognize it's safe to start talking a little about race, the developmental window has already closed...

To be effective, researchers have found, conversations about race have to be explicit, in unmistakable terms that children understand. A friend of mine repeatedly told her 5-year-old son, "Remember, everybody's equal." She thought she was getting the message across. Finally, after seven months of this, her boy asked, "Mommy, what's 'equal' mean?" 

Is it really so difficult to talk with children about race when they're very young? What jumped out at Phyllis Katz, in her study of 200 black and white children, was that parents are very comfortable talking to their children about gender, and they work very hard to counterprogram against boy-girl stereotypes. That ought to be our model for talking about race. The same way we remind our daughters, "Mommies can be doctors just like daddies," we ought to be telling all children that doctors can be any skin color. It's not complicated what to say. It's only a matter of how often we reinforce it. (from nurtureshock excerpt in newsweek)

tomorrow night, our preschool is having the author of this (very good) article come to talk about race, identity, kids. we were encouraged to read her article before the meeting, and i found it to be helpful to think through. take a couple of minutes to read it. or read the excerpt from nurtureshock here. regardless of whether you live in a neighborhood like mine, or in one that is more homogeneous, i think that thinking through and having conversations or making comments about how people are alike or different is valuable and worth the time and effort.

and i'd love to know if you have talked about race with your own kids. if you haven't, is it just because it isn't on your radar? or because you want them to not notice differences in race? or wait until they are older? have your kids made embarrassing comments about race or skin color in public? (mine have.) did your own parents talk with you bout your ethnicity or other ethnicities? thoughts?

(ps i highly recommend reading nurtureshock if you haven't already)

my very own after school program

i need to sign my children up for some classes.

not swim or gymnastics or ceramics, but some closer to home topics. 

This semester our syllabus should include:

• how to use less than an entire roll of toilet paper at a time. for. reals. i swear ruby uses half a roll every time she pees. maybe more.
• sitting at the table to eat isn't the same as climbing on a play structure. sit on your bottom. not on your knees. on the chair. not near the chair or around it, or hanging off of it with your dirty little toes gripping the edge of the table so you don't fall off of your precarious position. 
• creativity in problem solving and sibling conflict. phrases that i've banned but somehow still hear enough for it to drive me crazy: "you're not my best friend" "you're not my sister anymore!" "you can't come to my birthday party" "mom! she just (fill in the blank action word that probably happened but child yelling is conveniently leaving out her own prompting or retaliatory action) to me!"
• no. really. when mommy and daddy or your sister are fully asleep? you don't have to wake us up. you can go to the bathroom by yourself. be awake without announcing it to the world. snuggle quietly in your bed or play in your room without waking up the whole house. i promise even if you are playing "quietly" we will get up soon. that means when you walk up to that person and they are in bed, their eyes are closed, they are not talking to you or moving, and that when  you poke them repeatedly they roll over or try to ignore you? they are still asleep. or trying to be.
• it's ok to put your shoes, jacket, sweatshirt, backpack, etc. on the very first time you're asked to.
• chapstick is not a food group. neither is candy. so no, you can't have it for breakfast.

anyone want to guest lecture?

or want to add a class of their own?

(meanwhile, on the subject of school, read this great post on momastery.)

30 seconds of awesome

sometimes you have to kill time with your kids. 

we were waiting for matt to get out of an appointment,

so after an hour of other attempts at passing the time, 

my girls each gave me 15 seconds of video.

oh they melt my heart these two trouble makers!

you're welcome. aka my birthday gift to you.

(image from here)

(happy birthday eve to me, since tomorrow is the day i turn older and wiser once again)

anyyway, i have a little present for you, dear readers! well, if it's my birthday gift to you, i suppose it's a regift thanks to the glories of the internet. 

about a year or so i was on the hunt for a rich, easy, classy, fast, delicious chocolate dessert that i could make with ingredients i had on hand. i found a recipe that not only met all of those requirements, but it was good enough to make again. (and again and again.) hello, four ingredients!

i found this on the fabulous recipe index of david lebovitz- and i've never gone wrong with any of his recipes. 

this cake isn't cakey at all- it's more like a mousse cake or ganache, which is how i like cake. it doesn't require frosting and it's perfect for a crowd because you cut such small pieces. 

i swear you will come back to this cake over and over. in fact, i made it this week for my sister's birthday dinner, and then for my own birthday get together! i'd recommend using good chocolate, but...confession: once i was in a pinch and had to use ghiradelli chocolate chips and no one seemed to notice- myself included! whip up some whipped cream or add a bit of vanilla ice cream on the side to balance it out. it keeps for a few days and sometimes i think it gets even better!

find the recipe here or below:

Chocolate Idiot Cake
One 9-inch (23 cm) cake

Adapted from Ready for Dessert (Ten Speed Press)

• 10 ounces (290 g) bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
• 7 ounces (200 g) butter, salted or unsalted, cut into pieces
• 5 large eggs, at room temperature
• 1 cup (200 g) sugar

Preheat the oven to 350F (175C).

1. Butter a 9-inch (23 cm) springform pan* and dust it with cocoa powder, tapping out any excess. If you suspect your springform pan isn’t 100% water-tight, wrap the outside with aluminum foil, making sure it goes all the way up to the outer rim.

2. Melt the chocolate and butter in a double boiler (or microwave), stirring occasionally, until smooth. Remove from heat.

3. In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs and sugar, then whisk in the melted chocolate mixture until smooth.

4. Pour the batter into the prepared springform pan and cover the top of the pan snugly with a sheet of foil. Put the springform pan into a larger baking pan, such as a roasting pan, and add enough hot water to the baking pan to come about halfway up to the outside of the cake pan.

Bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

You’ll know the cake is done when it feels just set, like quivering chocolate pudding. If you gently touch the center, your finger should come away clean.

5. Lift the cake pan from the water bath and remove the foil. Let cake cool completely on a cooling rack.

Serve thin wedges of this very rich cake at room temperature, with creme anglaise, ice cream, or whipped cream.

Storage: This Chocolate Idiot Cake can be wrapped and chilled in the refrigerator for 3-5 days.

perspective

this past week has been a rough one for me (perhaps you picked that up from my last couple of posts!) i'm still working through some things, and still feeling a bit tender.

then last night m was dreading going back to kindergarten this morning after her two week vacation. she was sobbing in her bed, and it was kind of breaking my heart. i grew up with my mom always saying she hated the end of vacation and i feel the same. i love having both of my girls home, with time to adventure and play and make our own sort of day. (ahem, that said- i will say that this season has been very challenging, especially with my sweet 5 1/2 year old. she has been pushing as many boundaries as she possibly can; and we've been challenged to figure out how to be good parents to her right now. so, i did love vacation with her- but she was also good at losing privileges the past couple weeks!)

so i dreaded waking up this morning, but i woke up to this:

(wow.)

breathtaking sunrise. a reminder to me that it was a new day outside. 

yesterday i spent some time with a friend who is battling best she can to see as many new days as possible. i'm holding out hope that something miraculous will happen in her body to let her live a very, very long life. in the meantime, i am grateful for this new day, which is a gift. for what i have. for life, and breath, and health and the opportunity to see the sky painted outside of my window.

1, 2, 3, 4.

today i am grateful for my little family.

it's been a rough week of wading through some of my expectations about life

and letting some go, while embracing others.

still sitting in a tender place,

and not quite ready to unpack it anywhere but in my heart.

but this morning 

so very thankful for who i get to live life with every single day.

this.

i am lucky enough that sometimes, out of nowhere,
i will get a text or a note or a call from a dear one who has no idea what is going on in my day and their words are a gift.

yesterday i was sitting on my couch, my cheeks a bit wet, my spirit deflated when one of my dearest friends texted me out of the blue. i texted her back: i was wrestling with how yet again i was feeling pulled in so many directions, feeling the weight of (often self-imposed) obligations and my list of "shoulds" - play dates i should be scheduling, people i should be calling back or meeting up with, laundry i should be folding, corners of the house i should be cleaning, friends or family i should be checking in on, notes i should be writing...

 this week of vacation felt like stress piled upon stress. 

and minutes later she sent me this photo of this poem by mary oliver.

and tears rolled down my cheeks as i read it.

because it is beautiful.

(and so good for me to read again and again.)

because there is something incredible about being known and understood and accepted.

and that is how i felt reading that poem on the screen of my phone.

hello, 2014

goodbye christmas

hello 2014!

happy new year, my friends.

i usually wait until my birthday 

(that would be january 14th)

to come up with yearly hopes and goals.

but i do think i aspire to spend more time blogging this year.

i really didn't write that much this past year,

and in many ways i regret it.

there is something about writing that helps me process and think through life-

even if it's the routine.

i had a mini breakdown this morning over some of the same junk that i always end up 

worrying about or struggling through.

i texted my friend, "new year, same issues"

here is to a new beginning, however arbitrary.

to evolving and growing and becoming more whole and healthy 

and who we are meant to be at our best. 

love to you and yours today

xo

the one about choosing your own adventure

(section of wall in my studio)

we are sold this idea, especially when we are little,

 that we have limitless options and potential...

that life is supposedly a blank canvas...

that if we can dream it we can achieve it...

and of course, to a certain degree that can (sometimes) be true.

remember those choose your own adventure books? 

i loved flipping through them, and of course, 

trying all of the options to see which one turned out to be the best adventure. 

it feels like there have been a lot of twists and turns this year- in our life and in those around us. life's been reminding me that you don't really get to choose that much about your adventure. you can choose how you cope with it, the attitude you have, but ultimately there's a lot that happens to us as human beings that we don't get to weigh in on. 

i found out this week that my friend that has been brawling cancer for far too long is not doing well. there is still hope, new attempts at different courses of treatment, and the possibility that she'll recover. i am hoping beyond hope that she does. but i feel so helpless, sad and angry. sad that the last five years she has been through thousands of hours of treatments and appointments and cancer related everything and that she is sitting in a hospital all day getting tests. angry that somehow at 38 years old i already have so many friends who have had cancer.

sometimes i wish it was as easy as flipping to page 78 to escape whatever disaster has just been thrown in your direction. feeling heavy hearted today as i think about my friend. weary as i think of how many things in this world are oh so wrong. 

the adventure i can choose today is gratitude for all of those unintentional life chapters that bring unexpected goodness, and hope for healing and perseverance in the messy, hard seasons that we can't get out of as quickly as we'd like. 

grateful

today:

roof over my head

a home full of laughter

marriage vows even on days when we aren't each others favorite person

the sound of kids playing

my favorite scarf

our down comforter

a washer and dryer

food in my kitchen

a tribe of people that know me at my best & worst

coffee when i wake up

reminders of God in the sunrise

paint

cochlear implants

not having to race out of the house

old friends

ruby's snuggles

m's imagination

my husband's ideals

the feeling of a job well done

these christmas cookies

creativity

blasts from the past in the form of pictures from high school posted on facebook

funny text messages

sparkling water

annual traditions

(+ building completely new ones)

my studio

clean sheets

inside jokes

magazines in the mail

time to blog

to be continued...

(what are you thankful for today?)

rain, wind, sesame street & girls

suddenly it feels like we are knee deep in fall!

(i know, i know, it's the end of november. 

but i live in oakland, people. we barely have seasons!)

this week it rained (and poured)

and the wind came and pounded our little house-

we lost power last night for hours and hours.

that work i had to do?

well, i just couldn't do it in the pitch darkness.

so off to bed i tumbled!

(and it was a good thing because i'm feeling that other very autumnal thing descending upon me- an achy, icky head cold!)

oh, and the girls' preschool was closed today because a power line was knocked down in the wind and landed on the school!

ruby and i logged the morning on the couch, snuggling, lounging, and watching sesame street on my computer.

it's funny how the unexpected- feeling under the weather or weather itself can derail your efficient plans and set you up for something that was perhaps even better- like going to bed on time, and then spending the morning cuddling with one of your favorite little people.

happy friday!

also?

have you seen this?

my friend sent me a link to this a year or so ago when it was just in development and not available for sale.

it's awesome.

hooray for GIRLS!

(ps my girls watched this clip with me the other day and loved it)

don't miss this deliciousness

tonight is our neighborhood thanksgiving potluck and food drive.

it is one of my favorite neighborhood activities, and since it is thanksgiving i am (of course) making my mom's stuffing. 

it is delicious -

and yes, i am biased, 

but if you are going to eat highly caloric carb-y goodness, this is your dish.

if you are not into sausage or are a vegetarian, use sauteed mushrooms instead, 

and substitute veggie broth for the chicken.

you can easily double or triple this for loads of guests.

cornelia's stuffing

(you can adjust ratios to taste- 

ie, add more liquid to make stuffing more moist or 

add more sausage because it is more delicious)

• 1 1/2 loaves white or wheat bread (i buy the cheapest store brand bread)
• one onion, chopped
• 5-7 stalks of celery, chopped
• 1 pound mild italian sausage 
• 1 cup milk
• 1 egg
• 1 TBS Bells poultry seasoning
• 2-3 bouillon cube dissolved in 1 cup warm water OR same amount chicken broth 
• cooking spray 

directions:

• cube bread into large bowl
• saute onion & celery and set aside (or dump over cubed bread)
• remove sausage from casing unless bulk sausage & saute/crumble
• add crumbled sausage to bread, onion and celery
• combine 1 cup milk, egg & poultry seasoning. pour over stuffing and mix until well distributed 
• pour broth or bouillon/water mixture over stuffing. (add water or more broth if desired to make more moist)
• Put in greased baking pan or stuff into a turkey. if in a pan, bake at 350 for 20 minutes covered, then bake 20 more minutes uncovered.

Yum! Enjoy! 

Best with gravy and shared around a table

this week (mostly)

work

holiday card samples

niece sadie is four!

cousins

my sweet nephew sporting a mohawk

pinata!

facepaint action

celebrating kindergarten birthday friends & pinata loot

my little kitty cat

backyard chalking

watching our friend's daughter perform in fantastic high school play 

sisters in the leaves

proud after soccer

celebrating a dear friend's 40th

sharing my studio

preschool play

trophies!

digging

cake

kindergarten

ice cream playdates

not pictured: some major tears, late nights, lots of laughter, scrambling to get out the door, puffy eyes, deadlines, dropping the car at the shop, some more backyard demolition & oh so much more including our first of the season rain drops!

happy tuesday!