better late than never

i started this post a few days ago, but it got buried. somehow, our not-so-many-plans weekend filled up very quickly. not sure how that happened, exactly, but it was a nice balance of friends, family, frolic and then the not-so-fun saturday of packing up my studio.

weekend highlights:

• friday lunch with dear friends, monte and kristy & their two girls, who are back for a couple of weeks from living in france. m was completely smitten with big sisterly sophie and elodie, even exchanging sweet hugs.
• m experienced her first high school basketball game! it was honestly more fun to watch all the high school drama off the court-the overexcitable parents, the cheerleaders lounging on the benches and texting and flirting, the lame boys who think they are cool passing out hugs and high fives like they are candy, the different cliques gathered in their spots on the bleachers...ah, some things never change. seriously. it could have been 1992, the year i graduated high school, in that gym except that i don't think any of our cheerleaders had their belly buttons pierced with faux diamond studs.
• 
  (moni, a kid from our church getting one of his freethrows)
  
• matt has been cashing on in some of the birthday coupons i gave him last april, so we headed into san francisco to go to tartine bakery for breakfast treats!

(m was obviously really into the baked goods)

delicious cappuccino

*epic* quiche

mushroom/sundried tomato croque monsier

eh, good, but not as good as the last version i had there,

which had asparagus as the seasonal veggie...

apparently (according to my husband)

i squinched up my face and instantly communicated that it wasn't super delicious.

(maybe i just had really high expectations)

little m savoring every bite

the winners in deliciousness:

runnerup-almond poppyseed bread (foreground) &

(drumroll please)...

first prize-chocolate croissant (rear),

which was possibly the most amazing and perfect croissant

i have ever experienced in my entire life.

m entertained herself by drawing while matt and i tried to savor the treats for more than 3 seconds

do you live within a 50 mile radius of tartine?

yes, then go. eat. enjoy. and bring me back a treat or two.

so delicious.

do you live further away?

then invest in their cookbook, which i have (thanks luke & jennifer),

and which i highly recommend.

(especially the lemon bars!)

more weekend fun to follow...in anticipation of a new weekend on its way!

one year ago

yesterday, february 23rd, marked the year anniversary of a very momentous day in our family's life. it's funny, because it took me a few hours to realize that it was a special day- we had our typical tuesday morning rush to get out of the house early to drive an hour to m's school for the deaf. as usual, m moved in super slow motion getting her implants on, getting dressed, eating breakfast; meanwhile, i scrambled to get snacks for the car and tried to corral a few books her therapist had requested for her session. and then, miraculously, only five minutes behind schedule, we were out the door, in the car, and on our way to school. it was raining, which always means more traffic, more car frustration for m, more accidents. but the drive was uneventful, and m was relatively patient for the first 45 minutes.

m had already gone to morning music, therapy, and half of her class when i realized that the 23rd marks a year since m's cochlear implant surgery.

(hours after surgery in recovery)

oh

-do you remember?-

how we fought insurance, anticipated, hoped, prayed and counted the days down for that day.

and then, after so much energy and work, the day came.

i thought i would be nervous,

but somehow i was completely calm and ready for the surgery to happen.

i trusted her doctors, and we were ready.

and it truly changed everything.

there hasn't been a single day in the last 365 that i have taken her implants for granted.

i marvel when she startles to loud noises.

when she pointed in delight and shouted "beeeeg tuck" (big truck)

on the freeway en route to school yesterday.

when she dances to music.

when she points at a picture of herself and says our nickname for her, "roro."

sometimes, when her implants are off, and she is in silence, i forget and i keep talking as if she will understand me, because i have gotten so used to her hearing me.

yesterday on our drive home from m's school, she was doubled over in her carseat, completely asleep. i turned on npr and listened to talk of the nation for a while. the guest was talking about miracles, and whether people believe that miracles happen today. they were looking for a different kind of caller, but it was all i could do not to pick up my phone and call in to say, "we've had a miracle in our family. my daughter can hear me say her name. cochlear implants are a miracle." instead, i just drove and m kept sleeping, and i marveled to myself at the miracle in my backseat.

m yesterday, after her snooze in the car

happy surgery birthday, sweet girl!

just one of those bad mom days

yesterday was just rough. my daughter, bless her sweet little stubborn heart, has always been feisty. from day one - actually hour one - she was wide awake to the world and engaging it- often using her very strong lungs. some things never change. funny how even though my daughter is deaf she is one of the loudest little people i know.

yesterday was one of those days when she decided it was fun to push me on everything, whine, cry, tantrum, smile sweetly, and then go back to being a little crazy. add in the fact that my glorious plans for the day were obliterated by the knockout punches of my spunky, boundaries-testing almost two year old, and my completely exhausted 28 week pregnant body that can't resist sleeping during m's nap time. sigh.

so: one 23 month old, zero done on my to do list, a burned dinner, disastrous house, pregnant hormones all equaled me, reduced to tears when matt walked in the door last night.

at the end of the day i just felt like a crappy mom. with a messy house. unfinished freelance projects. a subpar wife. i used to think i'd be one of those cute moms once i had a kid. not so much. yesterday was the epitome of feeling like i was barely surviving, and the realization that another baby is coming into our family in 12 weeks sort of put me over the edge. at one point i was so frustrated at m that i grabbed her, yelled her name in complete exasperation, and then scooped her up and put her in her crib. i needed to give myself a time out. she screamed the whole time and i just took the time to calm down and remember that maybe she was having a hard day too.

i stumbled upon this video by katherine center on my friend nicole's blog, which kind of hit the spot. (that and the awesome foot rub my kind husband gave me within five minutes of getting home, and the impromptu coffee date i had with one of my oldest and dearest friends helped changed my attitude around.)

a good reminder that even on the hard days i am shaping the life of a child, and that in the process, flaws, frustration and all, i am being shaped too:

my friend lydia came over the other day to hang out and let me tell you why she is one of my favorite people -besides being insanely hilarious... she brought treats!

yummy salted caramels for me

these beautiful flowers-hello, i love, love, love ranunculas.

and orange ones?

so perfect for a dreary february.

a few days later and they are still going strong.

when little m was born, lydia bought her these awesome pink chucks.

let's just say they were a little big at the time, but as of this week they fit her perfectly (and m is obsessively wearing them), so she rocked the shoes while auntie lyd was over to hang out.

so lydia might be slightly kid-allergic in general (she prefers her kitties), but she endured m's countless requests to sing "ashes ashes" (also known as ring around the rosie), to push her around outside, and to play pretend tea party. (well done lydia!)

p.s. treats are the best. well, friends are, but friends with treats- the super best.

downward spiral

a minor meltdown as modeled by my daughter today:

drawing a blank

maybe it's that i've been sick.

maybe it is that i am pregnant so i am perpetually exhausted and could take a 3 hour nap at 9 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon and still go to sleep at 8 pm. (that doesn't bode well when i usually do the bulk of my work when M is either napping or asleep at night. my to do list should be renamed the did nothing list)

maybe i am just out of ideas.

maybe it is because it is dreary outside.

whatever the reason,

i have freelance work to do,

hanging over my head,

and i am at a loss. no ideas.

valentine's day cards 2011,

you are thwarting me on a daily basis.

i seriously can't think of

any text,

any artwork.

in case you are wondering, usually i need to provide both text and artwork, so i am not doing too well at this point. yep, i am 0 for 2.

so i come to you, friends, what inspires you?

pretty please?

speak up you non-commenting blog readers & oft-commenters alike.

be specific- i need a muse (or at least a jumpstart).

xo, me

splish splash

aunt robyn & uncle chris sent little m fun treats for the bathtub: washable bath crayons & paints, fizzy colored tablets that make the water different colors (hence the red water), and bright red bath foam.
m already loves bathtime, but now her average stay in the tub has been extended by a good 30 minutes. (thanks robyn & chris!)

sometimes bathtime makes me sad, because m can't wear her implants in the water and is splashing around so getting her attention to sign anything is hard or i won't know the sign for what i want to say to her. it is one of those many moments when i wish she could hear me always.

but then she has such joy tromping around in the water, and she delights in every moment of playing in the tub, and i remember that it is my grief-not yet (and maybe never) hers.

so that sadness is flooded with gratitude for her laughter, even as i struggle with the realness of the loss of a child who can just always hear like i can. even as i try to push away twinges of jealousy at the moms who can comfort their child with spoken words when shampoo gets in their eyes, or explain that it is time to clean up the toys and get out of the tub, or sing silly bath songs.

look at that smile.

she can't hear me, but she is delighted as can be.

making valentines

(m and i made valentines for the first time this wednesday night for her friends at school)

our table was a mess of red and pink crayons, paper, stickers, pompoms and glitter.

her favorite parts were the mini pompoms and the glittery heart stickers.

she didn't quite understand the concept that we were making these pretty cards to give away,

so she didn't appreciate when i whisked them away from her to stick in envelopes, protesting with, "no! no! noooooooo!!!!!!"

oops.

happy 22 months of life, little one.

i love being your mommy & your valentine.

(and happy three months today to baby sadie, my sweet niece!)

sick

(image here)

i am sick.

i've been up for a couple of hours doing some work stuff

and

now it's time

to go

back

to

bed.

matt is with m for now,

so that i can rest up.

what do you do when you are sick?

(besides snuggle beneath the covers?)

love in the mail

tonight i opened the mail to discover my first garland from

my garland of the month club that i purchased from my friend nicole's etsy shop!

(she also has an awesome blog here)

such a treat when today and yesterday have been kind of sucky.

i'm sick (again!)

+

last night found out that by a weird 11th hour fluke didn't get a house

that we put an offer in on and that i

really

really

really

really

wanted.

i seriously cried.

it was perfect.

{i'm still sad}

so my heart garland

was a spot of joy

in my sickypants, dreary weather, bad news,

somehow-my-to-do-list-and-my-22-month-old-do-not-allow-for-sickdays

kind of week.

go buy your own garland (or 3 months or 6 months)

and look for your own bit of sunshine to pop up in your mailbox!

p.s. my other points of joy today:

• my amazing sister-in-law chrissy coming over to babysit for me for 4 whole hours so that i could do the freelance looming over my head
• the neti pot (which i just used to clear out my crazy stuffed head); thanks hannah for recommending it! i can actually breathe for the first time in a day and a half.
• the best ever leftover shortbread cookies that my friend renetta gave us. yum.
• my most favorite employee at peet's coffee, super dianna, who, as usual, gave me free refills & a little chocolate treat!
• this little baby squirming inside of my abdomen, reminding me that even when my to do list is at a standstill, that i am very busy creating a human life
• simultaneous naptime for my daughter and me
• little m singing "bye bye cool" (bye bye school) as we left school today. smart little monkey!
• surprise visit (and treats!) from my sister + supercute niece sadie while i was working at peets.
• that as of right now, as in, any minute, i am going to go to sleep.

happy tuesday!

for the love of february 6th!

happiest of days today
to my youngest brother aaron
who turns
29 today.
i am incredibly proud of my brother.
he is a man of integrity, thoughtfulness, gentleness, & faith.
he loves sacrificially, serves others,
and has always had a tender heart even from a very young age.
these last couple of years have been rough ones on him,
and yet he is a consistent optimist
(much more than his worse case scenario big sister!)

i am so grateful for the road he is walking,
even though it has had some very painful twists and turns.
i couldn't be more proud to be his sister and his friend.

happy birthday aaron.
i love you.

so good (but so bad)

an open letter to whoever it was that initially opened the bag of chocolate and toffee covered almonds in our pantry:

seriously?

do you even have the smallest inkling of the path of destruction you've led me on?

i've eaten almost the entire bag.

by myself.

in less than a week.

they are

so.

so.

good.

team self control: 0

team delicious: 1

big girl

i looked at my daughter yesterday,
and all of a sudden i realized that my baby was gone.
she looks so...
big girl to me!

i'm famous

a few months ago, i got an email from papyrus about a new movie coming out about valentine's day, starring ashton kutcher as a florist. they were going to include some of my cards on a display rack of papyrus cards in the movie, so i had to sign, giving my permission for my valentine's day cards to be included somewhere in the background.

now, i have no idea how amazing or sucky this movie is, but besides the fact that i like to frequent a girly love movie now and again, i might also get a glimpse of one of my cards in one of the scenes. who knows? soon maybe i'll be gracing the red carpet with ryan seacrest and popping up on the pages of us weekly. or not.