yesterday was one of those days when she decided it was fun to push me on everything, whine, cry, tantrum, smile sweetly, and then go back to being a little crazy. add in the fact that my glorious plans for the day were obliterated by the knockout punches of my spunky, boundaries-testing almost two year old, and my completely exhausted 28 week pregnant body that can't resist sleeping during m's nap time. sigh.
so: one 23 month old, zero done on my to do list, a burned dinner, disastrous house, pregnant hormones all equaled me, reduced to tears when matt walked in the door last night.
at the end of the day i just felt like a crappy mom. with a messy house. unfinished freelance projects. a subpar wife. i used to think i'd be one of those cute moms once i had a kid. not so much. yesterday was the epitome of feeling like i was barely surviving, and the realization that another baby is coming into our family in 12 weeks sort of put me over the edge. at one point i was so frustrated at m that i grabbed her, yelled her name in complete exasperation, and then scooped her up and put her in her crib. i needed to give myself a time out. she screamed the whole time and i just took the time to calm down and remember that maybe she was having a hard day too.
at the end of the day i just felt like a crappy mom. with a messy house. unfinished freelance projects. a subpar wife. i used to think i'd be one of those cute moms once i had a kid. not so much. yesterday was the epitome of feeling like i was barely surviving, and the realization that another baby is coming into our family in 12 weeks sort of put me over the edge. at one point i was so frustrated at m that i grabbed her, yelled her name in complete exasperation, and then scooped her up and put her in her crib. i needed to give myself a time out. she screamed the whole time and i just took the time to calm down and remember that maybe she was having a hard day too.
i stumbled upon this video by katherine center on my friend nicole's blog, which kind of hit the spot. (that and the awesome foot rub my kind husband gave me within five minutes of getting home, and the impromptu coffee date i had with one of my oldest and dearest friends helped changed my attitude around.)
a good reminder that even on the hard days i am shaping the life of a child, and that in the process, flaws, frustration and all, i am being shaped too:
So been there. Not pregnant with a second, but I've dealt with a Very Two toddler, who knows how to work the system and push my buttons. And the messy house and the To Do list that only gets longer, never shorter -- and I didn't even get a foot rub out of it! You definitely have to make space and time for yourself, which is of course only going to get harder when the new baby comes, but you owe it to them and yourself. And putting M in the crib for a mutual time out was Good Parenting, not bad. Sometimes Good Parenting isn't pretty. I hope today is smoother.
ReplyDeleteand yet despite all of that, you are an incredible mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, artist...etc. i know because i wrote Ellen all about you. i'm just waiting for the GMC terrain to pull into your driveway :)
ReplyDeleteOh, my friend, so sorry to hear you had such a rough day. Hugs. And hopes of sweet treats and better days ahead.
ReplyDeleteI know this is a total cop out, but I've been blaming lots of "ug" moments and days on the weather.
PS You are so a cute mom! Cute moms have tough days, too :-).
ReplyDeleteSooz, I have so been there (pregnant with a toddler) and had those exact same thoughts and shared those exact same tears!!! You are definitely not alone with those kind of days- here's to a new day called tomorrow.
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