Saturday, July 4, 2009

(the 4th of july)

last year on the fourth of july i was holding my 3 month old out in front of our house when my elderly next door neighbor, who did not realize that little m was deaf, said, "she's going to be up all night with all the noise around here." 

i smiled and nodded, knowing full well that even in our neighborhood of oakland, full of countless illegal and loud fireworks that start in mid-june and continue until all hours on july 4th, my daughter would sleep right through it. she wouldn't hear a single firework go off, even with her powerful hearing aids cranked up. i went inside and cried, and every firework that exploded last year (and there were many) pierced my heart as a reminder of the fresh pain of little m's deafness. i cried a lot that night. little m slept all night long, oblivious to all of it.

as i write this, it feels like i am stuck in a war-zone somewhere, as fireworks have been going off for hours and hours on a pretty constant basis. we are talking big, huge, loud, super illegal fireworks. i swear it sounds like bombs are going off in the street in front of my house. to say it's a little crazy would be an understatement.

and my daughter is sound asleep. she, of course, can't hear any of it.

but earlier, before she went down, while her implants were still on, she heard fireworks. she looked up in the sky in the direction of the sound. she heard so many of the loud blasts that i think she was a little scared and startled. 

my baby is full of joy and delight whether her implants are on or not. she laughs and observes and soaks in the world even when her ears are silent. but it is a gift that she can hear. this year, as the fireworks exploded all around our house, i had tears in my eyes (shocking) - tears of gratitude that little m can experience the noises all around her, and that i get to be a part of the journey.


  1. s, how i love this post. i love that m got to hear the fireworks this year...but i also love that you, as her wonderful mama, see that she is joyful and curious and learning about her world when her implants are on and when they're not. i love that you remember and think about where you were a year ago, where you are now and that you are savoring the journey. reading your post fills my eyes with tears of gratitude, too - for so many reasons.

  2. are you sure they were all fireworks? i'm just saying...we live in the hood :)

  3. you made me cry -- good cry, I promise. thanks for centering me this morning

  4. ps.


  5. the journey...the joy in the journey.

  6. thanks for this post (and all your posts). You are very honest on this blog, and it is good to know that there is another person out there feeling like I do most days. My daughter is a little younger than yours (she's 5 months and will have bilateral implants next month) but I can relate to just about everything you write. Thanks for being so open and honest.

  7. thanks friends. for reading. for commenting back. for letting me share my heart and my flaws in this journey. for letting me be honest about my fears and hard days and joyous celebrations.


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