(clarification)

(the beach, summer 2008)

i feel that i should clarify (my last post) by saying:

• i am very thankful for the leaps and bounds that little m has already made. she does respond to sound in ways that she never, ever did before having cochlear implants.  she does babble. she does have some receptive words and (maybe, hard to tell) emerging expressive words. she is doing so, so well and i am very proud of her. little m so works hard at listening and learning! i didn't make it mean to sound so hopeless, because truly i believe her growth already is a daily miracle.
• i know that she will be in a place where she is speaking and listening. i know this because i see kids who are older than she is, who are doing exactly that! but i also don't want to pretend that there aren't times that it isn't hard, and that all of this work (although i know that it is worth it) is tiring. sometimes i just am grieving the necessity of doing so much work.
• it's been a hard "deaf issues" week. first, i increasingly realize what typical hearing kids are doing at a much younger age because, well, i have been around more of them lately. that isn't a bad thing, but it brings these feelings up & i want to be honest with myself about that. second, we had a lot of appointments last week and then a very hard therapy session this morning. it has been a week where it makes me sad that little m has to go to all of these hearing loss related therapies and audiology appointments. i feel bad for her when she is tired and cranky and yet is slotted for a therapy or booth test. i wish she could just snuggle in her crib for a nap, or play on her floor and not with a professional. but i am grateful for the people she works with- they are amazing.
• i don't think that this issue is just one for those of us who have deaf or special needs children. we live in a culture of comparison, and i myself hate when i am feeling competitive or comparing, so i thought i'd bring it up (as ugly as it may be.) i feel like it has struck me even more since becoming a parent, although i think it is rampant in our society (and maybe human nature?) in general.
• i don't feel like this all the time. but it is there enough that i thought i would give it a voice, so that if you have ever felt the same or similar you wouldn't feel alone.

(thanks for the encouragement, to those of you who have commented. 

i am grateful to those of you who are a few steps ahead of me, 

as well as those of you who are on a different journey but who walk with me,

even though i am a broken person, mother, and friend)