Wednesday, October 29, 2008

bad news bears

stupid highmark blue cross blue shield's building, pittsburg, pa

we just got news that our insurance, highmark blue cross blue shield insurance, is denying little m's surgery on friday. when matt called me tonight to tell me i just broke down sobbing. honestly, i feel like we have handled much of this very hard year pretty well, and this felt like a breaking point. i am so, so tired. despite all of the big decisions and constant appointments, i felt like we kind of got into a rhythm on this marathon of hearing loss. then we got hit with the avalanche of everything with my dad, and emotionally i've felt completely leveled. our family is sort of gathering together, huddling up, and figuring out how to move forward with these gaping emotional wounds. 

but at the same time i was thinking, ok, we have m's surgery so soon! this is a good thing in our world! SIX months is so young to have the surgery but our surgeon made it seem as if everything would go through without a hitch, insurance and all. originally i had thought that there was no way she could get implants until 9 or 12 months, so when the surgeon said 6 months, it was such a shift in expectations. it's one of those things where as soon as we found out 6 months, then everyone we would have appointments with would say, "oh, yes. bilateral surgery at six months is SO much better than at a year..." it kind of felt like when you are dating someone and your friends smile and are polite until after you breakup, upon which they all tell you how they really felt all the time. so, as more and more professionals told us that 6 months was so much better, that is what my expectations became.

and now, a big fat no from the insurance company. i feel deflated and exhausted and beaten down. i want to plead with someone and say, "if this was your baby, and your baby was deaf, and could access sound when it was most important, and in a way that would benefit her for the rest of her life, wouldn't you want that?" we don't get this time back, we can't rewind and get these six months again. this may sound like no big deal, but it is in our world.

i have no problems fighting for this. but i am so tired. and just ready for something to be easy and effortless and battle-free.

and it makes me so mad that if we had the money lying around to pay out of pocket for this surgery, that we would be at her pre-op appointments thursday morning, and in surgery on halloween. that seems so unfair.


  1. yes, so unfair and so hard to find the energy to get up over this hurdle. but you and matt have proven over and over in these last months especially that you both have what it takes to manage any hurdles that come your way. so, take the time you need to be pissed and to grieve and to find a center with each other and then FIGHT the shit out of that insurance company! all of us are with you and for you and if we need to call someone in pittsburgh to advocate, let us know...we will be on the phone like white on rice.
    lots of love to you, mateo and little m. always, dtq

  2. i hate blue shield. but i love you. let me know if there is anything i can do, my friend! heart your face.

  3. when I read your email earlier this morning that the surgery was denied, I thought it was a decision made by the doctors...but now that I know it was denied by the insurance I am angry. so unfair. how they can deny ANYTHING to beautiful little m? How can I help fight this giant with you?

  4. Hurray Insurance company!!! Your child is too young madam... wait till she is old enough to make the decision for herself if she wants it or not!


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